After a day of being emotionally overwhelmed, I am quite drained. Isn't it strange? Abstract emotions having the same effect on your body, as not-so-abstract, strenuous exercise.
Just being human comes with a slew of complexities, so much so that you sometimes envy animals for the simple lives they can lead, guided by pure instinct. The rules of the jungle, of survival of the fittest, to each his own, all apply. What is the morality of animals? Do they have a sense of right or wrong?
As Evolutionary Studies have taught me to understand, the main goal of every animal's life is to propagate it's genes. Most theories of Aging, and now some substantial data, suggest that aging doesn't start in many animals unless they have reproduced. However, once they have, what is called "senescence" begins. Nature guides them throughout their lives, so it must also guide their morality. "Right" and "wrong" in this case are instead "beneficial to survival" and "detrimental to survival." As long as they follow the rules of Nature, they survive; their species proliferates, flourishes.
If only that helped us. Perhaps as a punishment (or reward) for being endowed with a "superior brain," us humans have been left to our own devices. Figure it out. Everything. Choose your own morality. Many prophets, thinkers, and leaders have given us ideologies, philosophies to live by, sometimes even religions to cling on to, as a crutch. However, in the context of real life, these are not enough. There are decisions that need to be made each moment, that these ideas and philosophies provide no answers to. Most Religion in our times is used for establishing order, and control rather than to actually bring people closer to their souls. The Inner Self lies forgotten, and way outside the agendas. All that is left, then, is darkness and the unknown.
You must learn not to be afraid of this darkness; this unknown and forge a path through it for yourself. And you must do this alone. Because your soul is your own, so is your responsibility for what you do with it.
True maturity and acumen comes from knowing you are finite. There is only so much time, and there is only so much you to take it all in. While you live, you must experience it all but you must all be able to envision an end for yourself. How do you want to feel when you take your last breath?
Post-edit: I started this post way back in November 2009, making it one of my oldest posts that started in a different era of my personality, and is getting completed after significant changes to my thinking. But, as before, I try to leave the original text untouched, except for placeholders with vague ideas that I have now replaced with the actual thought that I had wanted to expound on.
I felt very strongly about the death of a stranger who, in my mind, had a lot of potential to make an impact in the world and in the lives of people. This man was exceptionally bright, and was all set to forge a career in biomedical sciences and therapeutics. I was really excited for all the things he would do. Jealous that he had a brain that I had always wanted. An understanding that came to me through immersion and repetition but to him was almost intuitive. How could anyone be so smart? And this was all from afar. Overheard conversations, recounted stories and exchanges, but nothing really personal. What does one do with all this cleverness? Do you pursue ideas or small, finite problems with a defined end? Is it isolating to know so much and understand so much? Do you get so caught up in your own, racing mind that it holds you like a vice and you cannot escape to a state where your mind is calm? I mostly just wondered about him, half-intrigued and half-afraid of what it would be like to be like him.
However, when he died, I somehow stayed up most of the night, alternating between crying and wondering why I was crying. I was sad for a friend who he was very dear to, and who was now suffering. But that was not what was making me so upset. So what was it? This post came out of me trying to understand my overwhelming sadness.
His passing had got me thinking about Time and the way the Universe plays out. They say everyone has a Destiny. What was the destiny of those whose life was cut short? Was it already accomplished or was it left undone? It also got me thinking about the geniuses in the world. The bright minds that innovate and move the world forward. It had never struck me before that all we ever look at is a percentage of all the world's genius, the remainder never getting an opportunity to learn, create and influence. The idea of people getting left out of life or getting left behind just filled me with a lot of sadness, even though it did not alarm me.
Life is a constant equilibrium of all factors that add and subtract, with the rest being a state that one must learn to exist in, and identify factors to develop a new equilibrium if we want to achieve another state. But the addition and subtraction always remains. Our lives are just as much Physics and Chemistry as Biology.
I did also learn that there are things such as a Finite Life that you don't necessary notice until your body starts to fail you. It starts with a pair of glasses and perhaps ends with a wheelchair and a tube down your throat. After 25, you do stop being invincible, your metabolism craps out on you, and your needs change in mundane and significant ways. Sometimes it feels like your own "decision" and at other times, it feels like following the crowd. But it happens. My tattoo was born from these ideas, and from another formative experience I was to have about three years later. Memento mori. And while it is something I try to remember, it is so easy to forget it in the daily routine of things. It's a constant frustration that I still haven't figured out how to manage, and I have exhausted this blog venting those feelings.
I also learned about things like one's legacy and the idea of regret at lost time. How does one want to be remembered? What does one want to be able to remember at the final stretch? It made me afraid of memory loss, setting me on a path of more reflection, more documentation of experiences - both material and in memory, which inherently requires you to always be present. Again, it is something I don't always do but now, I do have a sense of loss when I am not truly present and I am thankful that I realize that.
So here's an ode to the most unlikely and unexpected formative experience that I have had in my life. Rest in peace, dear stranger. I am not quite sure why but I really will never forget you. You were perhaps the only person I have ever encountered who had a razor sharp brain and actual flame-throwers for eyes.
