Four Years On

I found this gem in my old files - a list of goals that I had set for myself four years ago. In 2009, when I had first arrived to Rutgers, to my graduate career, which was to become my joy and my pain.

"GOALS

[Both short term and long term.]
1. Learn Japanese.
2. Learn Ballet.
3. Do really well in 1st year.
4. Seek out collaborations with universities in Japan.
5. Pick a thesis advisor who pushes me.
6. Learn German at some point.
7. Write something for the blog regularly.
8. Save money regularly.
9. Visit Italy with Sara.
10. Read Hanuman Chalisa everyday.
11. Try to Read and Write everyday.
12. Plant more trees.
13. Evaluate what I value and learn how to say no.
14. Keep feminist activism going somehow.
15. Rejoin Amnesty at some point.
16. Cook regularly.
17. Destinations: Lourdes, France. Murano, Italy. Istanbul, Turkey. London, UK."

Merely looking at this list makes me wistful. The person who wrote this is no longer the person writing these lines. Life has changed, but some things, thankfully, have not. To review:

1. Learning Japanese: I pursued this goal in the earnest, and for a while, but my motivation never really took off. I had books gifted to me lining my shelves, index cards from a dear friend tempting me to take the plunge, but alas, no progress was made. An inherent lack of interest in the landscape of Japanese biosciences research, combined with a lack of exchange programs added to the existing language barrier. Along with this came the realization that I lack the discipline to self-teach. With a fellow-sufferer, I pull through and without, I fall behind.
The result being that the index cards will one day be returned, and the books will be donated. Not quite a regret, but an item on list of things I tried that failed to light a match in my soul.

2. Learning ballet: A year-long attempt was made to learn this skill as well. After much struggling with body-issues, posture-issues, and height-issues, I accepted the inevitable: I didn't fit. And probably looked odd doing a dance that didn't set me free, and didn't allow me to move my body the way it was meant to move. However, it taught some excellent exercises to stretch and move my body into fluidity. The result here was that I gave this up but took up yoga instead. Whenever schedule permits, I delve into the asanas in hopes that someday I will do a walking headstand.

3. Check. Maybe not "really" well, but I did well.

4. Attempted with no success. Most existing programs are either not in the framework in which our graduate school is set up, or are not conducive to the research-intensive environment I like, or at other times, are too short.

5. Ah. This is where life got complicated. There were so many things I did not understand and didn't even realize that I didn't understand. I chose my thesis advisor for the wrong reasons the first time - competitiveness and a desire for glory overtook my good sense and my lifelong ambition of being a good scientist. The result? I had to leave and start over. This time, I really did want to pick an advisor who pushes me. The focus was on me. The person should have time for me, should want to train me and should be interested in my success, as theirs will depend on it. Again, I made the mistake of picking the wrong person - partly out of desperation at the lack of choices, and partly due to being lured into a false sense of security.
However, I will point out my biggest mistake in both these cases - I did not look for a good teacher. I always looked for other things that were not important to me, but were considered important by others. A good teacher; a truly good mentor is what I have now, and now I know what it is like to have the fortune of being guided by a human being so brilliant, honest, and patient, that is transforms your life. I can honestly say that this is a lesson I have learned for life. I will always look for a good teacher, and a good human being. Everything else is a peripheral.

6. Has not happened yet. Perhaps it will, after this first visit to Deutschland.

7. I've been good and not-so-good on this front. Depends on the time of the year, the time of the month, and phase of the moon and such.

8. Well, this has been happening but with regular dents into my savings due to short periods of unemployment, visits back home, and well, a personal setback of sorts that is now resolved. I hope to have enough to at least buy a run down car, and take a trip to Iceland or Finland or France after I graduate.

9. Well, I am visiting Sara shortly. Not in Italy, but hopefully that will happen not so far away in the future.

10. This hasn't been a success but not a total fail either. I read when I particularly feel that either all goodness has left me, or that there is so much goodness in my life that I am truly grateful. Sadly, there are no in betweens. I remember my maker in extreme moments of despair, or when I am content.

11. and 12. have been total fails, yes. So has 16. I have not planted a single tree since 2009, have not tried to read and write regularly, and the number of times I've cooked in these past 4 years can actually be counted. Having someone to cook for helps - I somehow cannot get to cooking for myself.

13. Until recently, I did not know what I value. But thanks to having recently developed an "individual development plan" for my graduate school, I was forced to think about my interests and values more deeply. It has been an enlightening experience, showing me things that I can live without and those that I can't live without. Four years coming, but hey.

14 and 15. Fail. I did try to reach out to both Women Against Abuse and Amnesty in the Northeast, and I did not hear back from either office. Hence, I have given up for the time being.

17. Still on my bucket list. Waiting for large amounts of money to be generated at some point in life!

Thank You!

Thank you, Universe, for conspiring to give me what I really wanted with all my heart. I don't know how I came to love this music so much, but I am so thankful it exists. Thank you, Sigur Rós. I'll see you on my birthday, in Philadelphia. My home of homes.

World Poetry Day

Poetry is eternal graffiti written in the heart of everyone."  - Lawrence Ferlinghetti

A Penny for my Thoughts?

How many of you out there can say for certain if and when you're in Love? I mean, how do you know its Love and not some other emotion? How is love different from compassion, affection and desire? You can have felt all those things for one person and yet not loved them. And it could just be because you were fixated on an "idea" of what love is. An idea that would cloud your true judgement about what you were really experiencing.
They say Love can make you move mountains, and fill you with unbelievable amounts of energy and positivity. What about the feeling of pure contentment I get when I fall asleep in their arms? Or how about knowing that I can't move mountains but having a safe place to confront that despair?

I don't know. I am not convinced that anyone really knows either what love is. I think we all seek out, relentlessly so, companionship and a sense of belonging. A someone we can trust, and call exclusively our own, who we are willing to put up with no matter what the cost, what the pain. Because it'd so much worse without them. Is that love? Or dependence? Or familiarity or habit? If you take an abstract enough statement about emotions, you could apply that to any of them, including love.

I feel truly liberated now despite the uncertainty of my emotions. I may not know whether or not I am in Love, but I do know that I am happy, and that I would kill to keep my object of affection in my life. It no longer matters for me to know if I am in love. They also say that "you just know" when you're in Love. Well, perhaps someday, I will just know. But here's to not holding my breath. Cheers!

I am not sure who to credit for this picture.

Stars

As of this Wednesday, there are stars on my ceiling. I particularly happy with the size assortment offered in the 50 "Wonder Stars" shipped to me, and it was rather amusing to actually plan to arrange these on the ceiling such that they give a "random" look.

However, I will take this opportunity to be happy. Amusement is cliche.