Last resort

I think introspection is highly overrated. Every time I do it, I end up coming up with questions that I have no answers to, feelings and emotions I can't explain, and realities of my nature that I would rather not admit. I guess the idea would be to take note of these things and try to change. Except, I don't.

I have written myself reminders, bought two damn planners, made deals with God, and all such strategies have been exploited, but there hasn't been much avail. Perhaps writing about my struggles would be therapeutic, I thought, so I wrote and wrote about these on this blog, and except for them becoming repetitive posts on the same theme - much like a broken record, nothing really happened.

So now, at this point in my life, which is almost threatening to spin out of my control, this whole inability to change bugs me even more. What sort of a future will I have with this attitude? Will I make a good home for someone? How about raising children? And I want to raise kids who are good people, mind you. It's not easy and I certainly don't have the faintest clue on how to do it. 

For example, one constant struggle is that I want to be on top of the literature and have a deep, thorough understanding of the foundations of my current research. A lot of my insecurities would go away, and I would feel significantly more confident conducting my work and having scientific discussions with experts. I spend hours on the internet searching for relevant papers, and I print them out with all zeal there is to have. However, they just sit in my drawer. This consequently makes me terrified that people think I know more than I do, and consequently have expectations that I am unable to meet. 

The obvious solution is action. I really should read everything I intend to, finish everything I start, but I really feel defeated. Why can I not do it? Why the hell am I wasting my brain and wasting my time doing these stupid things when I should be reading? And no, the answer is not that the work isn't interesting. Every single paper I print is something I want to read. I think the last resort is to have someone hold me accountable. It'll have to be someone with authority over me so that I actually am afraid of not meeting my goals. 

The other option is something my friend Nimisha, God bless her, posted about. It is called Beeminder, and they actually take money from you if you don't meet your goals. I think I am going to sign up. Watch this space for reviews. If I am not totally broke, some good will have come of it, I guess.

Also, I should note that every time I write one of these posts, I am reminded of the concept of verbal vomit as related by Lindsay Lohan from Mean Girls (though I believe the script was written by Tina Fey). I guess God should bless them too.

--
An update to this, as of August 2013: I tried Stickk.com to help me stay on top of reading papers. Basically, if you don't meet a goal, you authorize this website to donate money to someone, someone you love, or someone you hate. I thought if I ended up donating money to someone I hate when I didn't meet my goal, it would work. It didn't and the NRA has ended up with 15 stinking dollars of my money. Now, I am at an impasse and I have no idea what to do. Sucks.

Honestly, I must confess

Honesty isn't easy. It might be convenient at times, but certainly not easy.

To be honest, I wrote this post today, but blogger will tell you I went back in time to write it at 8.03 AM on February 26th.  Maybe I am the new Dr. Who. Who knows? Paha!

Planner Update

My new planner (see post below for reference) arrived in less than a week. It has been written in but has hardly been useful.
::sigh::
I almost want to rage about this but yet again, I am too lazy to do so.

Prediction

If I were to honestly sit down and pin point what I predict my downfall in life would be, it will most certainly be a regretful lack of the ability to self-motivate. Resulting in laziness of such severe proportions that every year, all lists grow longer. Of things to do, resolutions to fulfill, promises to hold, friends to keep, and habits to break.

Things have reached such an appalling low that I am now almost an existential spectator in this situation. What do I mean? Let's see if I can put it into coherent sentences. Everytime I fail to do something that I really want to do because it was easier to just not do it, I can feel myself going through the motions of disappointment, regret and monotony, as if I were watching myself from outside my body. However, I have become so numb, and these motions and their pattern have become so familiar, that I know to expect them at every instance, and therefore, let them pass me with indifference.
The result being inevitable repetition of unfinished things, and keeping of bad habits. Hell, I don't even finish books anymore. The last book I finished was the Diary of Anne Frank, and that was in the summer, and even that simple book took me months to get through. Solely because I wouldn't sit down and just finish it.

I think the answer is very simple and I think I am going to try and record how much time it'll take me since writing this post to actually get to a point of action. When at work, I keep a daily task list in my planner. Tasks related to my research. At the start of each day, a list is created with all things that need to happen that day, and as I do them, I check them off. Doing this not only forces me to finish everything I must, but allows me to remember to do everything too, and to organize my day accordingly. And on each day that I am able to check everything off that list, I feel incredible. Exhausted, but content, with a sense of pride at job well done. There is a clear reward system going on here.
I really need adopt a similar strategy and make daily lists of personal tasks to be accomplished. Perhaps getting another planner is in order. (Order while free trial of Amazon Prime lasts. Ha!). Will I look retarded keeping two planners? Yes. And you know what, that's okay. I need to own up to how dysfunctional my lack of discipline has made me, and do whatever it takes to improve. And also recognize when I really am not moving forward and getting stuck in recursive loops of sorts.

Guzuneh!

Meet my spoilt brat. 

Such a pampered little fart. 

Came into my life 10/07/12, and is currently 5 months old. Responds to the names "Guzu" and "Baby."

A member of the Swainson's Lory species. Commonly called rainbow lorikeet. 

Camouflage!

I won't know his gender unless I have him endoscopically sexed or karotyped, and I can definitely live without that. So for me, Guzu's a he. And he's called Guzu because the word in Farsi means "little fart." He's supposed to live 28+ years, provided he's healthy. I do hope he lives it out!

Angry Birds - Guzu edition

First day in cage

So here we are, introduced to my first baby.

Dinner etiquette