Today's Challenge

Okay, so this is fairly important. What am I about to introspect on is going to form the basis of my career.
Why am I going into research - making science my full-time job? It's definitely because I love the scientific method and how it helps us understand ourselves and our environment. I love solving puzzles; figuring out how things work. I am not interested in A resulting in B, as I am in how A results in B. Working on basic mechanisms has a thrill that is capable of eliciting that content sigh, when a working model finally falls into place. Great, this is all good. Quite a bit of E.O. Wilson influence there, but I am not complaining.

So then today, I came home after dinner with Bruce Stillman, the current director and president of Cold Spring Harbor Laboratories, I was really bummed out - it was almost as if someone had delivered a blow to my face. I had been really looking forward to meeting him, in the hopes that he might have something to say that may help my struggles with trying to find a direction in the future, picking a good scientific problem to work on and so on. However, the interactions I had chilled me to the bone because it seemed like success in this field was for those who were bright, and had seized great opportunities to excel, like doing a postdoc at CSHL and knowing the likes of James Watson.

Yes, I should have done that. I should have known from the very beginning, and focused towards it all my life. But it didn't happen that way, and even now, I am still discovering the things I love, and where I want to go 2 years ago, is completely different from where I want to go now. When I asked him how he got interested in the research that he has made such a successful career out of, I basically got "an interesting story" which led to the moral that he got interested in it as an undergraduate during his honors research year. He knew from day #1 that he wanted to do this.

He also said things like "I like to break new ground, so when a problem is mature, I consider it done and move on." Well, I would also like to break new ground, but this doesn't help me determine if I should become an expert in the field I am currently in, or if I should switch to another to demonstrate training potential that NIH recommends. That had been my question - whether there is any value left in coming an expert. My gut tells me yes, and I was just looking for some insight. Thanks.

Before this turns into a terrible whine, I want to reconsider why I am so bummed about this, and what that means to me. Meeting him and hearing a lot of what he had to say made me feel like I had wasted my life, as I had not done great research as an undergrad, am not going to a great, big research institution like Harvard etc. for my graduate training, and will most likely not do a postdoc at CSH. Why? What is my measure of success? I was talking with one of my close friends about this and she asked, well, does success to you mean being him? If I do not want to become him, then his words shouldn't make me feel discouraged, she said.

No, certainly not. But I realized that success does mean to me as having some recognition. I do not want to become him, and I do not want Nature, Science or Cell papers, but I would like, say an occasional PNAS or PLoS paper. So then am I going into science for recognition? Because that's bad. You go into science and research for the sake of solving the problem that motivates you.

So the challenge remains is to figure out what it is exactly I want from a career in research. Like my friend said, I have to reconcile what I want and what I am willing to do. If I am not willing/capable of doing something, I shouldn't want it. However, if I want something, I should do what it takes, bringing me back to the question of what I want. This is going to be extremely difficult and I'll likely have to keep coming back to it over the weeks, months, years to come.

For the sake of beginning, I'll make an attempt to list what I want from my research career:

1. To work on a biological problem that is doable (aka possible to make some progress in 3 years), has broader scientific relevance and has the potential to contribute to changing/broadening the fundamentals of how we understand biology. This is the best advice I got from Stillman, and I intend on sticking to it. I am going to find a problem such as this that motivates me and make it my life. This will take a lot, lot of reading.
2. Some recognition. Mainly through papers in medium to high impact factor journals. Most medium will do, as long as I have one or two high impact. I would like an award or two as well, however minor and even internal they are.
3. A medium-paced career. I do not want a very high stress environment, and also not something that is very laid back. If I have answered two fundamental questions in biology before I retire, I will consider my job done. I don't know if that is a stretch.
4. To not do the same experiments all the time, all throughout my career - I would like to be able to stretch across fields to utilize different techniques/approaches.
5. Use, rather than develop technology. So I am going to have to target an environment where enough excellent scientists and engineers are present who can develop technologies that will revolutionize research. This will also mean that I will have to end up at a large, rather than small research institution, where enough senior mentors can be found and enough "core facilities" are present. This is going to be a tough one if I don't have the credentials.

Based on the above, the things I can do right now (to get what I want):
1. Publish (credentials)
2. Read (knowledge to identify a scientific problem)
3. Get a fellowship/award (to be competitive for a high profile research institution)

#1 and #3 will be most challenging, and I am not sure if I can make it work. I also don't know how much I still have in me. Part of me really feels burnt out, but clearly that part of me did not just finish writing this post. And then there are people I love. I cannot forget about them.

God help me.

Recall

Today, I realized that I love the smell of old books just as much as I love the smell of new books. Perhaps this is why I keep collecting books and never read them. Or why I will continue to buy books despite being given a Kindle for my birthday.

In other news, today I am also reading a book for fun, in God knows how long. What motivated me finally, you ask? Well, I checked this book out of the library, and was supposed to have it until January 24th, but some douchebag has decided to put it on recall and now I only have until tomorrow. But I will read this book, goddammit. Or die trying.

Sigh. Don't know whether to wind the watch or bark at the moon. 

Update (10.11.13): I finished the above book. The race begins now for another book that must be finished before recall on Oct 22nd.

The dying mentor - Nature Careers Columnist Competition Entry

This is the non-winning entry I submitted to Nature's Careers columnist competition on March 29, 2013. Basically, the goal is to write "a sample column, 650 words long, that uses personal experience to provide insight on a topic of great interest to young scientists."

I wanted to informally publish this here, on a less public platform than Facebook, a) to get a time stamp on it, and b) to get feedback from people as I intend to improve this entry and re-submit it next year. If there any ideas for other, better topics, please do let me know as well.
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The Dying Mentor

A few months ago, my mentor lent me Horace Freeland Judson’s phenomenal book, the Eighth Day of Creation: Makes of the Revolution in Biology. He thought I’d enjoy this book, given some common books we liked. Eighth Day of Creation is perhaps the most compelling and comprehensive chronicle of the breakthroughs in molecular biology, and has been since 1979. It is also a mammoth and I am probably going to plough through it for a while. 

This book does many things. It provides a complete picture of the transformative discoveries of our discipline by focusing on the why, how and by whom. There is considerable focus on the personalities of individual scientists and how that influenced their thinking, their choice of problems to investigate, and how they conducted their investigation. For a young scientist like me, reading this is very inspiring, and also instructive. It shows me how to leverage my own strengths and weaknesses as I embark on my as-yet unknown quest. However, it also makes me considerably jealous.

This book is filled with great mentors— people who gave birth to incredible scientists by nurturing their talent, their quirky personalities, and their good and bad habits. Mentors who modeled a traditional master-apprentice relationship, and entrusted their trainees with their favorite puzzles as an act of faith and commitment. Mentors whose investment went beyond that puzzle, and extended to the scientific future of their students. Mentors who are much in scarcity today. And unfortunately, I can say this from personal experience. 

For one, the scenario has changed significantly. Science has become more of a business and businessmen run this show. The scramble for research grants turns most well-meaning, enthusiastic and curious scientists into salesmen and administrators. The time that was spent on in depth scientific discussions is now spent devising ways to dazzle the study sections at funding agencies. It is now the nature of this beast. The stakes are high, the patience is low, and the time is precious. 

Second, there is now an apparent disposability and replaceability of the trainee. This is because of an increase in the sheer number of graduate students pursuing doctoral degrees; and rapidly improving and economical technology that can often substitute for manual work. The accessibility of cheap technology and automation to academic and industrial labs alike has made scientific investigation faster, and very large scale. Simple, but time-consuming tasks can now be outsourced, and robots and algorithms can be built that allow data mining at a scale that was unimaginable even ten years ago. 

This has also created the false perception that thinking can be substituted for doing. As a result, mentors are much less motivated to invest in developing the critical scientific thought, and not just skill, of their trainees.  And when the time comes for the student to take the next step and become an independent researcher, many find themselves in a lurch. The ability, and the confidence to be able to function as their own scientific entity is just not there. 

This has to change. Now. History shows us that major breakthroughs were made by a few people that approached a problem from several angles, and each solved a piece of the puzzle. Scientific progress requires thinkers from diverse backgrounds and skill sets. While it requires collaboration, it also requires independence. It requires mentors like my current mentor, who is willing to train a scientist, encourage independent scientific thought, and invest in my professional development. 

My previous mentors were in stark contrast, and it made a tremendous difference. Earlier, I was pursuing a doctoral degree. I am now a scientist-in-training, learning to recognize relevant scientific questions and how to answer them. Because my mentor is invested in my future, and is providing me with the tools to succeed, including his copy of the Eighth Day of Creation, I feel confident that I can.

Footnote: I will most likely re-purpose this entry for some other publication as well.

Last resort

I think introspection is highly overrated. Every time I do it, I end up coming up with questions that I have no answers to, feelings and emotions I can't explain, and realities of my nature that I would rather not admit. I guess the idea would be to take note of these things and try to change. Except, I don't.

I have written myself reminders, bought two damn planners, made deals with God, and all such strategies have been exploited, but there hasn't been much avail. Perhaps writing about my struggles would be therapeutic, I thought, so I wrote and wrote about these on this blog, and except for them becoming repetitive posts on the same theme - much like a broken record, nothing really happened.

So now, at this point in my life, which is almost threatening to spin out of my control, this whole inability to change bugs me even more. What sort of a future will I have with this attitude? Will I make a good home for someone? How about raising children? And I want to raise kids who are good people, mind you. It's not easy and I certainly don't have the faintest clue on how to do it. 

For example, one constant struggle is that I want to be on top of the literature and have a deep, thorough understanding of the foundations of my current research. A lot of my insecurities would go away, and I would feel significantly more confident conducting my work and having scientific discussions with experts. I spend hours on the internet searching for relevant papers, and I print them out with all zeal there is to have. However, they just sit in my drawer. This consequently makes me terrified that people think I know more than I do, and consequently have expectations that I am unable to meet. 

The obvious solution is action. I really should read everything I intend to, finish everything I start, but I really feel defeated. Why can I not do it? Why the hell am I wasting my brain and wasting my time doing these stupid things when I should be reading? And no, the answer is not that the work isn't interesting. Every single paper I print is something I want to read. I think the last resort is to have someone hold me accountable. It'll have to be someone with authority over me so that I actually am afraid of not meeting my goals. 

The other option is something my friend Nimisha, God bless her, posted about. It is called Beeminder, and they actually take money from you if you don't meet your goals. I think I am going to sign up. Watch this space for reviews. If I am not totally broke, some good will have come of it, I guess.

Also, I should note that every time I write one of these posts, I am reminded of the concept of verbal vomit as related by Lindsay Lohan from Mean Girls (though I believe the script was written by Tina Fey). I guess God should bless them too.

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An update to this, as of August 2013: I tried Stickk.com to help me stay on top of reading papers. Basically, if you don't meet a goal, you authorize this website to donate money to someone, someone you love, or someone you hate. I thought if I ended up donating money to someone I hate when I didn't meet my goal, it would work. It didn't and the NRA has ended up with 15 stinking dollars of my money. Now, I am at an impasse and I have no idea what to do. Sucks.

Honestly, I must confess

Honesty isn't easy. It might be convenient at times, but certainly not easy.

To be honest, I wrote this post today, but blogger will tell you I went back in time to write it at 8.03 AM on February 26th.  Maybe I am the new Dr. Who. Who knows? Paha!

Planner Update

My new planner (see post below for reference) arrived in less than a week. It has been written in but has hardly been useful.
::sigh::
I almost want to rage about this but yet again, I am too lazy to do so.

Prediction

If I were to honestly sit down and pin point what I predict my downfall in life would be, it will most certainly be a regretful lack of the ability to self-motivate. Resulting in laziness of such severe proportions that every year, all lists grow longer. Of things to do, resolutions to fulfill, promises to hold, friends to keep, and habits to break.

Things have reached such an appalling low that I am now almost an existential spectator in this situation. What do I mean? Let's see if I can put it into coherent sentences. Everytime I fail to do something that I really want to do because it was easier to just not do it, I can feel myself going through the motions of disappointment, regret and monotony, as if I were watching myself from outside my body. However, I have become so numb, and these motions and their pattern have become so familiar, that I know to expect them at every instance, and therefore, let them pass me with indifference.
The result being inevitable repetition of unfinished things, and keeping of bad habits. Hell, I don't even finish books anymore. The last book I finished was the Diary of Anne Frank, and that was in the summer, and even that simple book took me months to get through. Solely because I wouldn't sit down and just finish it.

I think the answer is very simple and I think I am going to try and record how much time it'll take me since writing this post to actually get to a point of action. When at work, I keep a daily task list in my planner. Tasks related to my research. At the start of each day, a list is created with all things that need to happen that day, and as I do them, I check them off. Doing this not only forces me to finish everything I must, but allows me to remember to do everything too, and to organize my day accordingly. And on each day that I am able to check everything off that list, I feel incredible. Exhausted, but content, with a sense of pride at job well done. There is a clear reward system going on here.
I really need adopt a similar strategy and make daily lists of personal tasks to be accomplished. Perhaps getting another planner is in order. (Order while free trial of Amazon Prime lasts. Ha!). Will I look retarded keeping two planners? Yes. And you know what, that's okay. I need to own up to how dysfunctional my lack of discipline has made me, and do whatever it takes to improve. And also recognize when I really am not moving forward and getting stuck in recursive loops of sorts.

Guzuneh!

Meet my spoilt brat. 

Such a pampered little fart. 

Came into my life 10/07/12, and is currently 5 months old. Responds to the names "Guzu" and "Baby."

A member of the Swainson's Lory species. Commonly called rainbow lorikeet. 

Camouflage!

I won't know his gender unless I have him endoscopically sexed or karotyped, and I can definitely live without that. So for me, Guzu's a he. And he's called Guzu because the word in Farsi means "little fart." He's supposed to live 28+ years, provided he's healthy. I do hope he lives it out!

Angry Birds - Guzu edition

First day in cage

So here we are, introduced to my first baby.

Dinner etiquette