Last resort

I think introspection is highly overrated. Every time I do it, I end up coming up with questions that I have no answers to, feelings and emotions I can't explain, and realities of my nature that I would rather not admit. I guess the idea would be to take note of these things and try to change. Except, I don't.

I have written myself reminders, bought two damn planners, made deals with God, and all such strategies have been exploited, but there hasn't been much avail. Perhaps writing about my struggles would be therapeutic, I thought, so I wrote and wrote about these on this blog, and except for them becoming repetitive posts on the same theme - much like a broken record, nothing really happened.

So now, at this point in my life, which is almost threatening to spin out of my control, this whole inability to change bugs me even more. What sort of a future will I have with this attitude? Will I make a good home for someone? How about raising children? And I want to raise kids who are good people, mind you. It's not easy and I certainly don't have the faintest clue on how to do it. 

For example, one constant struggle is that I want to be on top of the literature and have a deep, thorough understanding of the foundations of my current research. A lot of my insecurities would go away, and I would feel significantly more confident conducting my work and having scientific discussions with experts. I spend hours on the internet searching for relevant papers, and I print them out with all zeal there is to have. However, they just sit in my drawer. This consequently makes me terrified that people think I know more than I do, and consequently have expectations that I am unable to meet. 

The obvious solution is action. I really should read everything I intend to, finish everything I start, but I really feel defeated. Why can I not do it? Why the hell am I wasting my brain and wasting my time doing these stupid things when I should be reading? And no, the answer is not that the work isn't interesting. Every single paper I print is something I want to read. I think the last resort is to have someone hold me accountable. It'll have to be someone with authority over me so that I actually am afraid of not meeting my goals. 

The other option is something my friend Nimisha, God bless her, posted about. It is called Beeminder, and they actually take money from you if you don't meet your goals. I think I am going to sign up. Watch this space for reviews. If I am not totally broke, some good will have come of it, I guess.

Also, I should note that every time I write one of these posts, I am reminded of the concept of verbal vomit as related by Lindsay Lohan from Mean Girls (though I believe the script was written by Tina Fey). I guess God should bless them too.

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An update to this, as of August 2013: I tried Stickk.com to help me stay on top of reading papers. Basically, if you don't meet a goal, you authorize this website to donate money to someone, someone you love, or someone you hate. I thought if I ended up donating money to someone I hate when I didn't meet my goal, it would work. It didn't and the NRA has ended up with 15 stinking dollars of my money. Now, I am at an impasse and I have no idea what to do. Sucks.