If I were to honestly sit down and pin point what I predict my downfall in life would be, it will most certainly be a regretful lack of the ability to self-motivate. Resulting in laziness of such severe proportions that every year, all lists grow longer. Of things to do, resolutions to fulfill, promises to hold, friends to keep, and habits to break.
Things have reached such an appalling low that I am now almost an existential spectator in this situation. What do I mean? Let's see if I can put it into coherent sentences. Everytime I fail to do something that I really want to do because it was easier to just not do it, I can feel myself going through the motions of disappointment, regret and monotony, as if I were watching myself from outside my body. However, I have become so numb, and these motions and their pattern have become so familiar, that I know to expect them at every instance, and therefore, let them pass me with indifference.
The result being inevitable repetition of unfinished things, and keeping of bad habits. Hell, I don't even finish books anymore. The last book I finished was the Diary of Anne Frank, and that was in the summer, and even that simple book took me months to get through. Solely because I wouldn't sit down and just finish it.
I think the answer is very simple and I think I am going to try and record how much time it'll take me since writing this post to actually get to a point of action. When at work, I keep a daily task list in my planner. Tasks related to my research. At the start of each day, a list is created with all things that need to happen that day, and as I do them, I check them off. Doing this not only forces me to finish everything I must, but allows me to remember to do everything too, and to organize my day accordingly. And on each day that I am able to check everything off that list, I feel incredible. Exhausted, but content, with a sense of pride at job well done. There is a clear reward system going on here.
I really need adopt a similar strategy and make daily lists of personal tasks to be accomplished. Perhaps getting another planner is in order. (Order while free trial of Amazon Prime lasts. Ha!). Will I look retarded keeping two planners? Yes. And you know what, that's okay. I need to own up to how dysfunctional my lack of discipline has made me, and do whatever it takes to improve. And also recognize when I really am not moving forward and getting stuck in recursive loops of sorts.
