How to start a car.

This is one of those posts that I write to sort out several overwhelming emotions that I experience simultaneously from time to time. So yes, I suppose you could call this very personal. But I have to write about it. Perhaps it will act like therapy. In any case, I have high hopes for something imaginary that I think it will result in.

Today was one of those few instance of my life where I felt extremely encumbered and paralyzed by experience and memory. Brain is such a funny organ. And memories are such a weird phenomenon.

I feel jealous of everyone who hasn't had an experience like mine. Perhaps that is why they are confident and a simple act of driving a car isn't an insurmountable problem to them. Needless to say, most of what I am experiencing is negative. I already have a cigarette in me, and I am proceeding to down shitty beer in big gulps. I admit, it has restored my breathing to normal.

Perhaps I really am more like my father than I would care to admit. Perhaps I really am not that fearless, strong-willed person that I would have myself believe in. I am afraid. And my paralyzing fear causes me so much anxiety that the mere act of starting a car makes me break down as if I have just experienced incalculable loss of something irreplaceable. Yes, it is good to have more people who have faith in you. Some of those unfortunate ones happen to love you, and it is for their sake that I have to do this absolutely undesirable task of driving. I mean, I wouldn't want to be in a situation where someone I love is having a serious emergency, and I cannot drive them to the hospital or wherever else emergencies tend to lead humans. I assume people have to drive to these places.

So, obviously I am resentful that the world is conspiring to have me go through this terrible trauma. But was my trauma really so terrible that it surfaces every time a steering wheel is within a meter of me? No, it wasn't. Hell, that accident wasn't even so bad. No one died, and I don't have the lifelong guilt of having cost a human life. I suppose this makes it all trivial and I shouldn't place too much importance on it.

And I really managed to convince myself of that. That I am over-thinking this. I am making it out to be a bigger deal that it was and as soon as I actually do the deed, it won't be so bad. Except that it was, and probably worse. And it wasn't just in my head. It took over my whole body. I had a nightmare about this last week and I was going to die. And when I was behind that steering wheel, I somehow knew with utmost clarity that I really was going to die.

So now, apart from drinking shitty beer, I am seriously considering getting some anti-anxiety medication before I have to make the next attempt, because obviously Dutch courage isn't going to work in this situation. I think when and if I ever do actually start driving, I might have to ask my passengers to bring reading material, as I am not likely to be doing any talking when driving. Ever.

I mean, this is all so ridiculous, and it makes me feel like shit. Fuck this country.

Love,
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A Brief History of the Past 6 months

Wow, that was a long break. However, not because I haven't had much to say. In fact, very important things happened but they never found room here because of my latest downward spiral with time management. I haven't yet emerged from the spiral but I suspect some gust of wind will propel and eject me soon enough seeing as how I have to get 2 publications out in eleven months. Talk about lighting a fire under one's ass.

A lot has happened. I am in a new apartment, for starters. It is a much better, albeit more expensive place than the previous one. I am putting more effort into making it look good, but the effort is slow and the progress isn't much. At least I managed to get a picture of Guzu and one of the Grand Canyon up on the walls. There is a Monet replica behind me too. Feels pretty good.

Aside from that, the only exciting thing worth reporting is that I went to the American Society of Biochemistry and Molecular Biology's annual meeting in San Diego. I was rather nervous and insecure, seeing as how my results were not good, and I was going alone, without my mentor. I had no idea how I was going to network, who I was going to meet/talk to. All of that took care of itself, and somehow I managed to step out of my comfort zone and talk to people. 3 faculty members. Hell, I even went to Scripps on my own dime to talk to people! (Yeah, I know. Also, La Jolla is just stunning - wouldn't mind working there.)  Not bad. (Note to self: put in reimbursement request before I forget). Several sessions on career development were helpful - found myself taking copious notes on how to negotiate during a post-doc interview. Learned about informational interviews. While it is rather overwhelming how much work all of this takes, the rewards exist. The network does come in handy long term.

Another exciting thing is that I am reading again. And I mean actually finishing books in a decent amount of time, expected of someone who can read, really. I will have to credit the first-reads giveaways done by Goodreads for this. If it weren't for the fact that I must read and review these books in a timely fashion, I would have never been able to break my bad habit of leaving books unfinished.

Gotta go feed the bird. He's going to be 2 years old soon! I can't believe it!