FAIL

Created by Auto Insurance.org

My grade: F, 28%

Since I am on a compiling spree anyway, one more post wouldn't hurt.

Peanuts, Christmas style.

Coelho

"A great pleasure in Life is to do what they say you can't."
"Dreams are not negotiable."
"Miracles only happen if you believe in miracles."
"You can live only once but if you do it right, once is enough."
"Love never dies by natural causes. It dies because we don't replenish its cup."
"A Life without cause is a Life without effect."
"People see the world, not as it is, but as they are."
"Life sometimes separates people so they can realize how much they mean to each other."
"A search always starts with Beginners Luck and ends with the Test of Conquerors."
"Only one thing makes a dream possible: the fear of failure."

[More quotes at: http://paulocoelhoblog.com/e-cards-en/]

QoQ

“See every child, especially your own, with the knowledge that they have limitless potential. Teach them how to break down the walls of doubt they will find in their path. Show them they can reach their dreams. Along the way, remind yourself, you too have the same potential.”

[By Mark Quam.]

“Quam bene vivas refert, non quam diu.” [The important thing isn’t how long you live, but how well you live.]

"We ourselves are our biggest enemies"

Please take a moment to read this post and decide how you feel and why. Food for thought.

Sorry, Indians not allowed.

Prayers

In line with my previous post, here is one of my favorite prayers. The name links to the recording on YouTube from the album "The Sacred Chants of Shiva" by the singers of the Art of Living foundation. The text below is the translation followed by it's meaning. I hope it gives you a glimpse of what Hinduism is about.

Shiv Manas Puja
by Sri Adi Shankaracharya

Ratnaih kalpitamaasanam himajalaih snaanam cha divyaambaram
Naanaaratnavibhuushhitam mrigamadaamodaankitam chandanam.
Jaatiichampakabilvapatrarachitam pushhpam cha dhuupam tathaa
Deepam deva dayaanidhe pashupate hritkalpitam grihyataam.h .. 1

I have imagined a throne of precious stones for you, cool water for you to bathe in, divine robes adorned with many jewels, sandalwood paste mixed with musk to anoint your body, jasmine and champaka flowers and bilva leaves, rare incense, and a shining flame. Accept all these which I have imagined in my heart for you, o merciful God.

Sauvarne navaratnakhandarachite paatre ghritam paayasam
Bhakshyam pajnchavidham payodadhiyutam rambhaaphalam paanakam.
Shaakaanaamayutam jalam ruchikaram karpuurakhandojjvalam
Taambuulam manasaa mayaa virachitam bhaktyaa prabho sviikuru .. 2

Sweet rice in a golden bowl inlaid with the nine jewels, the five kinds of food made from milk and curd, bananas, vegetables, sweet water scented with camphor, and betel leaves - I have prepared all these in my mind with devotion. O lord, please accept them.

Chhatram chaamarayoryugam vyajanakam chaadarshakam nirmalam
Veenaabherimridangakaahalakalaa giitam cha nrityam tathaa .
Saashhtaangam pranatih stutirbahuvidhaa hyetatsamastam mayaa Sankalpena
samarpitam tava vibho puujaam grihaana prabho .. 3

A canopy, two yak-tail whisks, a fan and a spotless mirror, a viinaa, kettledrums, a mridangA and a great drum, songs and dancing, full prostrations, and many kinds of hymns - all this I offer you in my imagination. O almighty lord, accept this as my worship of you.

Aatmaa tvam girijaa matih sahacharaah praanaah shariiram griham
Poojaa te vishhayopabhogarachanaa nidraa samaadhisthitih .
Sajnchaarah padayoh pradakshinavidhih stotraani sarvaa giro
Yadyatkarma karomi tattadakhilam shambho tavaaraadhanam.h .. 4

You are my self; Paarvatii is my reason. My five praanaas are your attendants, my body is your house, and all the pleasures of my senses are objects to use for your worship. My sleep is your state of samaadhii. Wherever I walk I am walking around you, everything I say is in praise of you, everything I do is in devotion to you, o benevolent lord!

Karacharana kritam vaakkaayajam karmajam vaa .
Shravananayanajam vaa maanasam vaaparaadham.
Vihitamavihitam vaa sarvametatkshamasva .
Jaya jaya karunaabdhe shriimahaadevashambho .. 5

Whatever sins i have committed with my hands, feet, voice, body, actions, ears, eyes, or mind, whether prohibited by the scriptures or not, please forgive them all. Hail! Hail! O ocean of compassion! O great god! O benevolent lord!

Oh, my poor Religion! How thou hast suffered!

The first purely religious post I am about to write. With due respect to all Atheists, of course. However, I have no sympathy or patience with Atheists, who are convinced that not believing in God is only for smart people. I welcome constructive dialogue with Atheists, if they are sincere about understanding the reasons and the meaning of having faith in God. And why I choose to do it. I am not interested in Theatrics. They have a stage and actors for that. Thank You.

I was born and raised a Hindu. Today, I am a Hindu by choice. And I am writing this out of the sheer pain and frustration brought upon by misunderstood Hinduism all over the World, but mostly, and sadly, in India itself. I love my religion, despite everything it comes with, like there being a justification for everything good and bad happening to you. I'll take that. I truly believe that the faith you lean towards is completely reflective of who you are. For someone like me, a faith that teaches you acceptance, and inspires spiritual motivation and growth, holds a lot of appeal.

Mind you, this is not the Hinduism that you see today. Much like other religions, Hinduism you see today in most of India is a dogmatized, exploitative, and ritualistic form of Hinduism, which has long been rid with political and social agendas of a precious few who, unfortunately, have misused their gift for inspiring others for brainwashing the masses and for personal gain. It has been an era since the Hindus had religious leader who motivates people to move towards the growth of their inner Being. Hinduism today is marked by a glaring lack of people like Rabindranath Tagore, who wrote poems focused on the Creator and the Being, and the connection between them. Which is why, even though Tagore was a Hindu, his prayers resonate with all human beings across the spectrum. Because in the end, that is what it is about: a connection with your Creator. The clichéd phrase that you've heard before. "To be one with God," yes? The power of reflection, inspiration, humility and knowledge that these poems inspire can never be recreated by anyone else. But if this means that Hinduism will forever suffer from lack of inspiring spiritual Gurus, we're doomed. The entire philosophy is suffering the risk of a slow and painful death, from constant degradation, misinterpretation and misrepresentation.

With that said, we do have many many many people pretending to lead others towards spiritual growth and religion, Ramdev being a good example. However you must think like they do, believe what they do, sometimes even buy their herbal remedy products and attend their camps, before they will give you the key to enlightenment. They are easy to spot, and if you have ever heard the likes of Glenn Beck on the television, you will know them right away. It's just a different kind of brainwashing but the desired outcomes are similar. The sad part with that is that most Indians, still, remain uneducated and below the poverty line, and that affects their ability to be able to think for themselves. When all you have known in life is how to make ends meet for two meals a day, it is difficult to question someone who is promising you the World. (A better health, cure for all diseases, even "homosexuality" according to Ramdev, and increased wealth because if you pray to God like he tells you, he'll be SO HAPPY and give you everything!) It is literally is "a carnival of idiots." When such people go unquestioned, their power increases, and before we know it, they become an organized group with great political influence. Shiv Sena and Bajrang Dal are good examples. Burning down theaters showing movies with lesbian-interest themes, exploiting women who don't cover every inch of their bodies, beating up couples on Valentine's Day in the name of religion, are a few examples of the things they do. Primitive teaching methods that keep you limited and insulated from the World are supported by these groups, for "western thoughts and beliefs are corrupting India." If you think this is the scary part, hold your horses. The scary part is that there are a lot of people in India who actually agree with them.

I hope that by now, you are starting to understand exactly how dire, yet helpless the situation it is. Hinduism gets presented to the World in an alien form. It is what it is not. And they start to believe that this is what Hinduism is indeed about and this is what is supports, when really, it is not. It is begging for you to give it a chance. To understand it. The same is true for Islam.

My advice to you: no matter where in this World you are, if you are free enough to choose your own religion, be bold enough to take it's understanding upon yourself. Don't go looking for someone who will teach you about Hinduism. If you can read and write (and since you are reading this blog, I assume you can), you are in luck. And no, you don't have to know Hindi or Sanskrit. Some understanding of these helps but it is no longer a limitation. Most scriptures of importance now have been translated in many languages and are at your disposal. Go pick up a copy of the Bhagvad Gita from a bookstore. For starters, that is Hindu philosophy for you in a nutshell. It will tell you more about Hindus and their values than any spiritual leader will. It will show you, that unlike other religions that are goal-oriented, Hinduism is duty-oriented, action-oriented. Action gives character. What you do will determine what you become. There are no five tenets, or ten commandments. As an orthopraxy faith, it is not what you believe in that makes you a Hindu, but it is what you practice makes you a Hindu. To get the information from the horse's mouth is always a good idea, right?

Once you have some basic knowledge, and hopefully a few good questions about the Hindu philosophy, you are ready to seek someone knowledgeable for answers. You have enough knowledge to prevent yourself from being misinformed or brainwashed. You are in a position to actually enhance your understanding through constructive dialogue and discussion.
Of course, there have been some great teachers of Hinduism but I haven't delved much into their works myself. However, upon recommendation from others, Swami Vivekananda, Adi Shankaracharya, Osho, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar are a few prominent names whose teachings have influenced the world. However, I recommend that you be alert while studying these philosophers' ideas. Hinduism is a very open religion in terms of thought, it invites you to create your own Hindu philosophy. Therefore, each philosopher has drawn their own conclusions and interpretations of the teachings.

You are invited to do the same. Be your own Hindu. Nothing else is more important. And even though I don't know much about other religions, but I daresay that this is true for them all.

A Wonderful Memory

Raise your hand if you learned this when you were 4 years old.

सूरज

रोज सवेरे निकलता सूरज
सब को नित्य जगाता सूरज
अंधियारे को दूर भगाकर
उजियाले को लता सूरज
करना काम सिखाता सूरज
शाम हुए पश्चिम में जाकर
जाने क्यों छिप जाता सूरज

Addiction

It is really amusing that just after I briefly mention drug addiction in my last post, I confess that I am starting to feel an addiction to cigarettes. Of course, I was warned. Of course, I was told that Stress is never ending. If you give in to it by taking up one substance, you only take up another later. Of course, I thought this was short term. Of course, deep down I knew I could get addicted. Of course, I knew when I took my first whiff, was taking a risk.

The fact that there are 2.5 cigarette packets sitting in my drawer doesn't help.

Here are some interesting twists: My father is a 35-year-long chain smoker. I see the helplessness and severity of his addiction in his failing health. One of my friends has lost a close friend, who smoked cigarettes, to lung cancer. He is upset that he might have to lose me in the same way one day. One of my close friends now has significantly reduced lung capacity when he runs because he smoked for a year. Hell, I worked in Jefferson's Tobacco Cessation Program for Pulmonary Disease Department for three months and saw how cigarettes control people.

Where does this leave my responsibility and my health? Is this enough risk-taking that I choose to smoke despite seeing all these drastic effects in front of me? I am a risk-taker, yes, but I need a plan for this. I don't mind being an occasional smoker but I must draw a clear line between occasional and regular. I cannot let this go too far. Nip it in the bud.

Step 1: Throw a box of cigarettes in the trash. Done.

Step 2: Stop carrying a pack in your backpack. Done.

Step 3: Don't buy anymore packs. Will do.

What I don't understand is that why is Marijuana so much more of a controlled substance than Cigarettes and their nicotine, when so far, no disease risk factors have been discovered for Marijuana? I mean, the Surgeon General warns that cigarette smoking "causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy." But there are no such side-effects for Marijuana. If I remember correctly, your body even de-toxes of Marijuana faster than it does for Nicotine. Is it because cigarette's mental effects are more short-term and less dramatic in the sense that you don't get "high"? Or does the tobacco industry happen to have very good lobbyists?

Thank You For Smoking. Not.

Anomie

Anomie.

[This might actually become a rant.]

I can't help but be obsessed with this word. It truly completely reflects my state of mind, my state of Being. Who I am. And why very few people understand. Very few people understand because it is one of those things that you yourself need to experience, before you can empathize with others for it. It must pass through you before you are enlightened, experienced. Like drug addiction. Like the death of someone dear. Like Love. We have company in most joys of our life, but these are the things we experience alone.

We experience the joys of Love with someone else, something else but we must pass through its darkness alone. We pass through the waters of knowledge with the World but the journey to find the meaning of things is ours alone. There is so much we must experience, realize on our own, because the choices we will make because of it will be our own. The responsibility will be our own.

What you really want from life is also something you must find on your own. Mind you, this is a very emotional journey. Whenever I think of it, it reminds me of the lonely prisoner of Anton Chekov's The Bet, who spent 15 years in voluntary, solitary confinement. Only he knew the despair, the joy, the frustrations, the liberation, the meaning of his journey. That prisoner is in all of us.

Anomie is usually described as something socially and culturally "uprooted" people experience. The mismatches of the society, who no longer have a culture, a home, or sometimes, even a purpose. As per Émile Durkheim, "a society with too much rigidity and little individual discretion could also produce a kind of anomie, a mismatch between individual circumstances and larger social mores". To me, in manifests in the form of not knowing what I want from life. What's the big picture for me? If I were to envision an end for myself, what will it entail? Will I still experience anomie?

I feel this too often, and I have felt it for too long now, and something deep inside tells me that I will continue to feel it forever. The alienation, the unrest. Anomie. I asked one of my friends today if I will ever have that supposed "normal" life with a home, husband and family. I didn't think my own question would refuse to leave my brain once I had finished putting the words on paper (virtually, of course).

I sometimes think that my desire to live my life in different places all over the world for short periods comes from both the desire to find a home, and also because of my restlessness. Even when I am perfectly happy, I am never content. And I don't know who to ask if this is normal. Does this translate into my ambition? Is it a good thing? Is it a bad thing? Is this is a permanent part of my personality or just growing pains? Some people aren't meant to be with anyone. Lifelong. Society has different names for them including the free birds, free spirits, loners. Is that me? Can I be loved by someone? Is this a choice between love and purpose? When Love is a part of the purpose of your life, a sudden possibility that the two might become exclusive of each other is purely frightening. As it is for me.

I would love to search my soul for an answer, but I don't know where to begin. Or even how to begin. The answers to these questions lie on some distant horizon which I cannot see.

The most agitating aspect of this feeling is that I don't know if you can drag someone else along with you on this journey which you are to take alone. Is it possible for you to find someone with an equal alienation and unrest who will accompany you on your search? Will they even accompany you, since their nature, just like yours, will not allow them to remain? After all these thoughts have haunted my mind for a while, I conclude that people like me are not meant to be with anyone else. We're the nomads in the concrete jungles of this world. Maybe I am a nomad, but I want to be loved. The possibility that there is no resolution to this dilemma except the difficult painful choice of continuing my search for a home without someone, or building a home with someone, is unbearable.

Is there a way to build a home while searching for a home?

RIP Kurt Cobain

"To Boddah

Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things.
For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins, it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddy Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man! Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what I used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.
I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain

Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your altar.
Please keep going Courtney
for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU"

[Kurt Cobain's suicide note]

To Commemorate

Somewhere I have Never Traveled, Gladly Beyond
by E. E. Cummings

somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

A Prayer

My Dearest Maker,

In a few hours, I will celebrate an anniversary of the day I made one of the best decisions of my life. Not everyone is thus blessed, and I pray. I pray for hope, courage and clarity of mind to be able to preserve this bond, to hone it and to make it grow in meaningful ways. To separate ego from the Truth, to comfort delicate emotions, and to bear the weight of their power. Help me contemplate the paths that led me here, and realize the true potential of this moment. Help me create a place I can trace my steps back to. Help me create a home for my soul that is built on honesty, love and trust. Help me remember our little beginnings and endings, and never forget what brought us close. Help me, my creator, my maker, to understand the value of a Heart. Teach me to keep it with the utmost devotion, and honesty. Help me give meaning to this world through the emotion passing through me and let me never forget its grace that colors my life so beautiful.

In short, help me not screw this up. Kthnx!

Much Love,
Your Humble Creature.

Information Overload

Mai hed asplode. Kthnx scienceblogs.com. Nao I haz mor werk 2 do.

Conversations with Kevin - I: Choices

[A series of posts that stem from our random discussions.]

Which wields the most powerful sway over us, passion or habit? - Nikolai Gogol.

By the age of 24, most men and women have not acquired the wisdom of the World. We think we know a thing or two about it, but what lies beyond our grasp is always a greater force, a greater expanse of wilderness than what we carry in our souls. What we know. What we think we know. However, it is silly, and rather non productive to marvel at, or worry about how much you don't know. No matter how much you learn and for how long, there will always be something you don't know.

Instead, just make a vow in life to never stop learning. That does two things. First, your shelf of things that you don't know is constantly gets lighter. Second, you are never bored with life. Come to think of it, Life is so precious and so short, there really is no room to be bored. If you have room to be bored, then you are stuffing and squeezing some very important things out of sight, out of mind and out of conscience. Got it? Never stop learning. Never stop growing, experiencing, reflecting. Your mind is your greatest tool and your biggest enemy. An empty mind is the Devil's workshop, remember? Yeah, well, that is in your control. Your God and your Devil are all inside you, all the time. You choose which to bring forth.

So much for what we don't know. Now, what do we know? Among a few things, we know that Life doesn't always give you what you want. It doesn't let you do what you'd really like to do without making you go in countless circles first. Perhaps, that is how the phrase "standing the test of time" originated. If you can go through these countless circles, learning something worthwhile each time, then in due Time, you will be rewarded. Life tests you and you, again, choose who wins. Sometimes, the lesson to be learned is how to swim with the current and reach your true Destiny. To let yourself be. At other times, the challenge is to swim against the current to overcome the hurdles that make you less than who you are. Societal pressures, monetary pursuits. Been there, done that, right? Among us are many wanna-be, now wanted-to-be musicians, dancers, writers, painters, scientists, storytellers, sculptors, poets. Because a long time ago, we made a choice.

As years pass, one truth becomes more and more apparent and burdening on our shoulders: no matter who or what helped influenced our choice, the choice was ours. Hence, its consequences and its responsibilities are ours. Sooner or later, everyone runs out of someone to blame. Then the burden of the Choice, along with all its regret, rests on your shoulders alone. If you are lucky, you will have it in you to be okay with it, and be peaceful. Most of us, however, are generally unlucky.

Doing what you really want to do keeps you in touch with your soul. Your Self. Your identity. Everything inside of you that makes you, You. Just like the unique fingerprints on your fingers and toes, there are innumerable unique sparks within you, waiting to be expressed, unleashed. If not set free in due time, these die out. Sometimes, we don't even notice. And before we know it, it becomes a habit. It becomes a routine. Then, it becomes easier to just stay in the routine than to break out. So, we stay in the routine.

And thus, we wait. In our routines, in our little heads. For some inspiration, or someone, something that will break the routine for us. Make a choice for us, because by now, we have become too passive. We no longer like to make choices. Look around you, and look at yourself. Really look. Most human beings around us, including you and me, are really passive. They don't like to make choices.

So what is the point of me writing all this? Only that, if you do nothing else for yourself in this lifetime, do this: don't give up on making choices. You will not always make the right ones. Maybe you will only sometimes make the right ones. But you will learn. Instead of waiting for Life to give you what you want, you will snatch those moments from its hands, either on an impulse, or after some painful choices. But you will have gained something. From your choices, you will gain experience. From your experience, you will gain memories. From your memories, you will gain Inspiration. Inspiration to continue living for these moments, and learning with these moments, because slowly, you realize that these moments are the ones that make Life worth living. The reward for the countless circles circled countless times.

If nothing of us is ours to keep, other than memory (in the words of Ronlyn Domigue), we best have a lot of them, right? Our Life is nothing but a series of memories hung up on the string of Time. Like clothes on a line. What we get out of those memories is, well, our choice.

[Related, some-what long, truly exceptional video:Really Achieve Your Childhood Dreams.]

A few firsts

Today is the day of some firsts: I -

1. Called my father purely on impulse today. For the first time and just to tell him to tell my grandfather that the English one-word for chewing your cud is "ruminating." I had known this for years.

2. Have sweaty palms, a racing heart, and a case of nerves from being on three drugs at the same time.

3. Smoked 3 cigarettes in the past 8 hours. For the first time.

4. Just realized that I really love the blue teddy bear Jen gave me for Christmas two years ago.

5. Killed a plant for the first time in my life. Weather it was neglect or disease, it doesn't matter. The poor thing died in my care. RIP beautiful red cactus. Forgive me.

6. Didn't change for 2 days in a row.

Remember, remember, the 13th of November.

God Bless Google Translate

La transcription est une douleur dans mon cul.
प्रतिलेखन मेरे पिछवाड़े में एक दर्द है.
Transkripsiyon Ben bir ağrı olduğunu ass.
Transcription is a pain in my ass.
転写私のお尻の痛みです。

Thank You For The Music

Yes, I like ABBA, but this isn't just about that. This is about the other magic that exists in our lives. This is about the second inexplicable phenomenon that takes over our hearts.

Music. That Music exists is perhaps one of the few virtues of the world. It is said that Music and Love have a deep connection because they both originate from the heart of beings. Music is borne out of Love. Out of strong emotions. When we make love, we make Music with our bodies. Music is when our mute soul expresses itself through vibrations and sounds. It is the Andante and Allegro pouring out from the deepest, most obscure corners of your soul. It is your life's slow Waltz. It is the smile that hangs around your lips when you close your eyes and sit back in your chair in the local coffee shop, and let the Moonlight Sonata take over you. Music is the adrenaline in your veins and the synapses in your brain. Music is You. You are Music. And it is timeless. Music is the perfect cast for emotions to be poured into, set and preserved. Through lifetimes, generations, civilizations.

Mozart's Don Giovanni was born out of his anguish, guilt and pain at the death of his father. The Reprobate Punished, as the title means, still makes the World shake as this Music takes over their mind and soul with its brilliance. You can still feel Mozart's pain as the chords and chorus hit you, and you carry it in your soul as if it were your own wound. There are many other examples, but I choose to share this one because it is close to my heart. I am Mozart's libertine, and when it all ends, I want forgiveness because I am pained and anguished.

Because of this intricate connection of Music to our very Being, it is very powerful. Music is, thus, also sacred. This can be especially well understood in the context of Indian classical music. It is believed that the seven basic notes, also called Sargam, were revealed to ancient, learned sages/priests/hermits by the Gods themselves. They prayed to God to be given a means to bring themselves closer to God and to their inner self, and they were given Music. They were given the ability to create instruments from trees and gourds, and produce sounds that could move mountains. Sometimes, not even metaphorically. Literally. The Indian history is full of records of musicians being able to perform miracles with their Music. Tansen, for example, could calm animals, light lamps, and even make it rain when he took to his Sitar.

When we hear a piece of Music that hits home with us, we undergo a transformation that changes a part of us forever. It opens up new avenues for looking at the World, contemplating life and even lifestyle. We are never the same again. Every piece of Music, when it hits our ears, causes the little cells in our ears to give a slight nudge to your nerves. These auditory nerves then carry this music to your brain, and every little bit is transferred through a chemical reaction. This chemical reaction is a physical alteration in your brain. It forms connections in your brain, synapses, that weren't present before, and it creates small molecules that preserve this Music in your head as a memory. In short, we are our own LP record, our own Vinyl, CD. Cool, eh?

With in invention of portable music players, headphones, iPods etc., our Music now travels with us everywhere. It is as if we were in our own Musical. When you walk down the street on a particularly nice day, and "I believe I can Fly" comes up on your mp3 player, the spring in your step gets a tad bit springier. We celebrate with Music, let it feel our loneliness, our joy, grow up with it, grow old with it, overcome our heartbreaks with it, share our victories with it. Our Life, really, is a soundtrack.

My life is a soundtrack too. A vibrant, ever-changing soundtrack generously stows away my emotions, my ups and downs, my fears and joys, my very soul in the secure folds of its warmth, its serenity. I am because Music is. I am fortunate to have heard those sounds and felt those vibrations and been swept by those powerful waves of Music that have moved the World since the beginning of time. For me, it all ends when Music ends. There is no world, no existence without Music. And my Music will stay with me. In this world, and the next. Like a Guardian Angel.

Thank you for the Music.

An Ode, In Prose

Another Ode to Love.

I think the world will never grow weary of people writing about Love. Painting about Love. Making music about Love. Making Love.

80% of cinema and theater is about Love.

Many wise philosophers have risen to the challenge of making sense of Love in the context of our lives, the most common and favorite explanation offered being that of concept of Soul Mates. For those unfamiliar with this, let me give a brief overview and my sources are mostly Coelho and Murakami, for better or worse. According to an ancient Greek myth, it was believed that God created every human being as a combined entity - a four legged creature that was either half male and half female (male/female), male/male or female/female. Each of these human beings were happy until one day our race did something terrible, much worse than the Original Sin from what I understand, and God split the two halves. Since then human beings have been considerably less happy, and spend a fair amount of time thrashing around the world looking for their other, separated half, also called a Soul Mate. Because in this myth human beings were born and re-born and split each time, each person has many Soul Mates, but may come across only one, or if they are lucky -two, in one lifetime. These Soul Mates are found through Love, and until one finds that Soul Mate, one is never complete and never truly as happy as possible. The Soul Mates feed each other's souls with Love and infuse each other with life, joy and energy. So they say. And admittedly, why Love is able to do these things remains beyond our grasp still. Especially when this love is not for another human being, instead for an idea, a dream or even an inanimate object.

Humans usually obsess over things they don't understand, ideas they can't grasp, money they don't have and people they can't date. We obsess over Love because we don't understand it. And also because when its grace passes through our lives, we experience heaven and hell, all in one memory, one season. It is almost like existing on another plane for a while. No other emotion has no much power, or so much complexity.

Thus, I am intrigued with Love. Plagued with it. Chained by it. Freed by it. Just like every other human being. Whether you realize it or not, at any given point in time, you are in Love. With something or the other. With or without your knowledge. Human beings are social animals and Love is essential for their survival, their motivation. If your soul is devoid of love, a switch goes off in your Being and you realize that for some strange reason, you are feeling empty. It is almost like clockwork that our maker buried deep inside of us.

Love is for different reasons. It comes in our lives as an answer to our prayers that were heard. It comes in our lives when we need to grow and learn in different, new ways. When our body is exhausted, it looks for water. When the soul is exhausted, it looks for love. In its most recognizable form, Love is because of another human being.

Thus, I am in Love. And I truly feel blessed. The universe is finally beginning to conspire to heal my soul, to color me bright and fresh. All those books talking about the magic of Love are finally beginning to make sense. I am beginnging to experience the broad, yet specific physics and chemistry of Love. Bear with me here. I can explain, I swear.

Geekily speaking, when the natural frequency of two hearts beating is in sync, this resonance is called Love. It is two human beings, two different individuals interacting at the same wavelength with the effect being a powerful, synergistic energy. It is this energy that makes you think you can take over the world when you're in Love. And this energy can neither be created nor destroyed; it merely passes from one individual to another. So when we feel Love, we infuse each other with its brilliance and power. The results can be tremendous and highly impactful.

Love and Greed are the greatest motivators in the world, and thus, this emotion is capable of creating so much change that sometimes, its power becomes forbidding. When that happens, we tend to turn to solitude for some calm. Yet, Love continues to tug at our subconscious just like that clockwork. It is like a radioactive isotope that once you come in contact with, some part of it always stays with you like a beam of radiation hidden in some corner of your heart. Of course, this radiation does have a sort-of half-life and with enough time it dies out. However, living in the world that we do, we are constantly hit by these radiations without even realizing it. You can walk down the street and feel completely and hopelessly in Love with the colors you see on the leaves in autumn. You can be standing in the crowd at a concert and be so overcome and moved with Love for the music that tears well up in your eyes. Yes?

Thus, Love, actually, is all around. You can feel it in your fingers. You can feel it in your toes.

Love is all around me
And so the feeling grows.

[Love is all around by Wet Wet Wet. Check it out.]

Fortuitous Fortunes

[Because I always lose them in the pockets of garments and purses, I am going to collect my fortune cookie fortunes below. A Work in Progress.]

Calamity is the touchstone of a brave mind.

You will have a wonderful wife.

Don't be surprised by the emergence of undiscovered talents!

A distant relative will phone you soon.

A house without books is like a room without windows.

Memories make what we are. Dreams make what we will be.

Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.

Stop searching forever, happiness is right next to you.

Plan your work and work your plan.

Grains for Brains

No, really. Donate while you improve your vocab.

Confessions of A Caffeine Addict

In Defense of Coffee

Circa 2009. A time of quarks, uranium, satellite universities, steel, skyscrapers, instant messaging, online social networking, global collaboration, and multitasking. And caffeine.

Or Coffee, if you will.

Coffee is more than just a beverage. In times such as these, where we are all trying to be super human, perfect and accomplished, Coffee is a lifeline. It is the blood that runs in our veins. It is the green dough that sits in Starbucks' vaults. It is also a propagandist tool, for we all know how noble Starbucks is, and by drinking their coffee, you are helping them help the needy in Africa who they cheated out of the fair price of beans in the first place.

It is a cruel mistress and an impudent servant who knows it is much needed. It is a disease and a cure. It is a much loved and hated flavor. It is a color and a culture. It is the identity and pride of nations. It is a harvest and a celebration for the farmer, the plantation worker, the mother who gives their day and night just to see those magical beans on precious branches. Tea's got all its royal patronage, but its coffee that has all us masses rooting for it. It is a reticent, subtle activist, making you feel good when you drink Fair Trade coffee from your local coffee shop.

Coffee is the illusionist emperor of a kingdom of over-achievers, a Pope of a religion of caffeine addiction. And I am here to spread its gospel. I believe in Coffee.

It is my addiction, my lifestyle, my social tool, my midnight-oil burner, and my stress reliever. Coffee is to me as make-up is to an actress. Coffee is a part of identity. When I walk to my lab and classes with a cup of Coffee in my hand, I feel like all those working people crowding the subways and roads every morning at 8 a.m. with cups of coffee in their hands, their car cup-holders. I feel like I have a purpose too. Without Coffee, I would not have my friends. Without Coffee, I would not have my boyfriend and many of our subsequent dates. If you think I sound like some sort of an eccentric artist, with Coffee as its muse, you are right. Coffee is my Mona Lisa, whose cryptic charm I like to contemplate and savor with all my senses. Just contemplating Coffee, in all its elegance and fragrance gives me calm. And energy. And thoughts. Ideas. All at once. My brain is on fire and my body at ease. If I sell my life away for something, it would be Coffee. If I invest in anything before the world economy crashes, it would be Coffee.

If you say you don't like Coffee, then you have never loved, never lived, never taken a risk. Find your nearest local, Fair Trade Coffee shop before the world ends.

[Post begun: 7/22/08, finished: 10/03/09]

Challenging Beginnings

I've recently decided to learn Japanese. Now, even though I speak two languages, I think I am somewhat linguistically challenged. I find it very difficult to remember accents and syntax. The only reason I am now fluent in both languages is that I started learning them from a very young age. Also, most research on the brain and learning patterns shows that children find it easier to learn languages than adults. You have more capacity in that region of the brain for learning until a certain age, and then it starts declining.

With that said, I do have motivation to learn. Hopefully that will take me through this colossal task. Setting a goal should be helpful, right?

I think 1 hour every Saturday and Sunday is realistic and should at least get me started until I can take regular classes in Japanese, with an instructor and everything.

I also think I should use some sort of a progress scale (defined by me, of course) to keep me on my toes. [I put recognition of alphabet after speaking some words because I learn well by imitation. I can learn how to say a few words by hearing them easier than I can recognize the alphabet.]

So, my progess is 0 right now. When I can say some words, we'll move to 1. Being able to recognize and say common sentences like "Hello, how are you?" and such would be 2 and 3. Recognizing the alphabet, 4. Understanding grammer, 5. Understanding spoken Japanese 7, understanding anime (other Japanese media) without assistance and speaking conversationally, 8. Reading Japanese, 9. Talking in Japanese, 10.

Suggestions? Ideas?

Oh yeah, that bar is probably going to stay at 0 for a while. But just curse away and chip away at it!

Eternal Sunshine

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned.

- Excerpt from Elosia to Abelard by Alexander Pope

iDance

Originally posted on Facebook on April 10, 2009.

I am an enthusiast. I am an amateur. I like to express myself using my body because sometimes, there just aren’t the right words. This is what I call Dance. I watch others create stories and magic from their movements. This is also what I call Dance. I dance for myself, not for others. Not once have I danced on stage.

Most of the dance I do is improvised, learned through observation and imitation. For me, dance is always accompanied by music— on the CD or the instrument or in my head. I mould my movements to represent my thoughts, my unspoken words. Through dance, I make my own language. And you know what, people understand it. Everyone understands this wild, unstructured language with no syntax, no grammer, no rules. I am a dancer. I was born a dancer. I am a dancer to you? It doesn’t matter.

Bollywood, as crazy as it is, is powerful because of its integration of dance into the storytelling. Through Indian movies, I saw dance used to express emotions, describe events, and convey stories and social constructs. I saw the symbolic power of dance. That words can be translated to movement. That I could speak without speaking. That I can use my body to express excitement, joy, anger, and sadness. This is my dance. It is an expression of my thoughts, moods, and emotions— it is an expression of me. I express joy by stretching out my body completely until my toes tingle and my back cracks. When I feel free, I spread out my arms, turn my head towards the sky and close my eyes— I am a bird and I know no limits. I express excitement by jumping on alternate foot, moving my hips from side to side, and my hands up and down. I express confusion by spinning around in circles until I am dizzy. Also, just for the record, I find whirling Dervishes really cool.

I dance anywhere and everywhere except the stage. I have danced on sidewalks, at formals, in the middle of the road, in my room, in my bathroom, in car seats, and even in trees. As long as a place is relatively empty of people, I can dance in it. When my body isn’t dancing, my mind is. Dance is my indulgence, my guilty pleasure— something I wouldn’t mind going to Hell for.

I am a fuller person because I dance. Because of dance, I have a greater appreciation of music. Because of dance, I have a greater sensitivity to emotions. And because of dance, I have a relatively fit body despite my staple diet of grease. I couldn’t dance to save my life. But I sure could make a living as street performer that dances.

iDance, therefore I am.

Seasons of Our Lives

[Thanks, to Yee-May.]

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a season, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

BrianA. "Drew" Chalker


[RIP BZK 09/19/2009]

For All You Board Game Lovers

Settlers of Catan

Come on, let's see some strategy here!

Philadelphia, Je t'aime

I love Philadelphia for many reasons. Some of them being (in no particular order):

a) It's highly accessible on foot and has allowed me to continue my procrastination to learn driving.
b) Murals.
c) Wilma Theatre.
d) Opportunity. This city taught me independence like no other.
e) Diversity. And I mean it. There are literally all kinds of people here.
f) Philly Diner.
g) Pretzel Run.
h) Kelly Drive.
j) Ten Thousand Villages.
k) The Rebecca Davis Dance Company.
l) Rittenhouse Square.
m) The Electric Factory.
n) Restaurant Week.
o) First Fridays.

And the last is not the least. For those of you who don't know, First Friday is a cultural event of Philadelphia where on the first Friday of every month, many galleries and museums in Old City are free to the public from about 5 p.m. onwards until 9 p.m. Many many students (since, well, only either students or very rich, or very poor really live in Philadelphia) crowd Old city on such Friday evenings. Talking, exploring, eating, drinking and bumping into old friends and enemies etc. My favorite part about First Fridays are the random artists you meet on the street and the tremendous opportunity to rediscover art that lies within that. In the past, I've met many painters displaying their amateur yet fresh ideas on the pavement, and persevering musicians serenading the pedestrians with their compositions. It's kind of like the culture of street performers in New York City, only more shy and laid-back.

Once, I met a jazz artist selling CDs of his music. He gave me a free copy when I told him I had no cash, but that I'd make up for it by giving the CD to the shelves of Drexel's radio station. I don't really know how often he was able to tune-in to listen to his music being broadcasted, but the fact that he sent me off with the satisfaction and good will of knowing that I would do just what I had promised...It truly made my day.

Recently, I met a photographer who chose to build a House of Cards on canvas and wood. Kevin and I just went up to ask him what that House of Cards was made of and he immediately asked me what part of India I was from. I was Awestruck. Not because he could tell that I was India right away, but because he could tell by the way I talked and not from the color of my skin. The conversation continued to what I did, to his travels in India, his 6-week stint in Pune as a sanyasi, to his work. "Scientists are like artists too. Scientists put facts together. Artists put different kinds of facts together," he told me. It was unforgettable because when we walked away from that man, we had left with one the most profound things we'd heard in our lives.

"Don't go looking for the meaning of life. Give it meaning."

Whenever you walk the streets of Philadelphia, don't just go looking for adventure. Look for stories.

Revelation # 1

So I thought and I thought and I realized something.

Men never grow up. They just move from simple toys to more sophisticated ones.



You read this here first.

About Time

For those of you who actually read this, I apologize for the extended absence. However, I think by now you are pretty accustomed to my irregularities. Well, I thank you for persevering.

I recently visited my family in India for about one and a half months, and collected some of the most precious memories of my life. The visit was really cool in a lot of ways. I was able to celebrate my birthday with my own family after four long years. And when I saw the 2 kilo cake my mother had ordered for me, I was able to realize that some things never change. I might be older now, almost ready for marriage by their standards, but somewhere in their heart, I am still that little girl who used to cut cakes on her birthday.

My mother perhaps gave me the most memorable present this birthday. She told me the story of my birth. I mean, literally an account of how I refused to pop out. The year I was born my parents still lived in a run down apartment-like place above a district eye hospital where my father worked. Because my father couldn't get off from his job, my mother had to go to the general nursing home herself, accompanied by my aging grandmother on a rickshaw. I cannot even imagine what that must have been like. Going through the badly constructed, bumpy roads of my hometown, on a rickshaw, ON a rainy day, with constant, painful contractions that were making her cry. Puts in perspective the pains your mother goes through to bring you into this world, right?

She finally got to the hospital and was admitted by a doctor. She'd been having pains but I wasn't moving at all. So they gave her Oxytocin injections to increase the contractions and make them more powerful. My mother was screaming and crying in pain, with my grandmother holding her hand and my father pacing up and down outside her ward. I still wouldn't move. Five days passed but still no movement. My father was beginning to get worried. The doctor told him that my mother might need an operation, a Cesarean, but for that she will have to be moved to another, bigger city, since such operations could not be performed in my hometown due to lack of facilities. However, my mother was in no condition to be moved. Finally, a big, fat nurse had this idea that she will manually assist in pushing the baby from the outside. My mother watched horrified as the nurse got onto her bed, straddled across her and began pushing downwards from the top of the abdomen. It was pain beyond belief, my mother tells me. This went on for a few minutes, and then finally her child popped out of her uterus.

"You looked like a lizard!" said my mother. "We had thought that after all that trouble, I was going to give birth to a mini-giant."

"Gee, thanks Mummy. That makes me feel so good." I am special.

She told me that since that day she swore she wasn't going to have anymore children. I have two younger sisters.

India was...

Originally published on Facebook 01/19/2009.

Ever since I've returned from my trip home this winter, I've been getting the question "How was India?" from everyone I know. Here is my answer to you, if I can ever answer such a question.

I spent this past winter break at home in India, with my family. I saw them after two long years. Homesickness and longing had been driving me so crazy, it was unbearable. I wanted to see them, hug them, tell them how much I missed them.

The time spent in India, outside of my family's signature pilgrimage vacations, was very relaxing. It gave me a chance to step back and reflect. Evaluate what I was seeing, how I was feeling. India was exactly what I had expected it to be: warm, chaotic, and beautiful. However, it wasn't familiar anymore. The instant joy I got from touching my feet to dusty, dry Indian soil had gone. Instead, I stood there with apprehension, and uncertainty.

I first noticed this when I was riding through the streets of New Delhi. I found myself looking around for the things I used to know. Sometimes, I found them and sometimes, I didn't. But it still shook me. It had never occurred to me that I would ever have to search for the little chaat shop around the corner from my aunt's house. I had just assumed it would always be there, with that old man always making us spicy panipuri. Little things like this disconcerted me at first, then confused me. I couldn't believe myself when I couldn't recognize the streets of my hometown that I used to take every single day to school.

Damn, things had changed. I had changed. My parents grew older, my sisters grew up, my cousins got married...everyone fell into a niche while I was away, leaving me outside. I missed it, but it didn't really bother me. I accepted it as just the way of things. I had left them outside too during my time here in this country. We are still as close but now we understand each other a little less. Nearly every conversation has to be prefaced. My sisters and I can't complete each other's sentences anymore but we still share everything. Will things improve? I don't know. I don't know what the future holds for us as a family.

My trip home also made me realize what being here in the US has come to mean to me. This country has taken all my loved ones away, but has given me a spirit, an identity. I know now to believe in myself. I know now that I really can do anything. It is true that any place can give you this feeling, but I get it from here. From this cold soil of this country which is not my home. From the strangers here who have made a home in my heart. From my friends, my mentors, my residents, my relatives. This country gave me a backbone, and then burdened it a million things. But that's okay. It's a fair burden and it is mine to bear.

As of now, I don't know which one of these do I love more: my family or my spirit. Going back means losing so much of what I have come to enjoy, including my independence. Going back also means being in the warmth and closeness of family.

...I hope I don't have to make a choice between the two. And I don't know if I will have to.