India was...

Originally published on Facebook 01/19/2009.

Ever since I've returned from my trip home this winter, I've been getting the question "How was India?" from everyone I know. Here is my answer to you, if I can ever answer such a question.

I spent this past winter break at home in India, with my family. I saw them after two long years. Homesickness and longing had been driving me so crazy, it was unbearable. I wanted to see them, hug them, tell them how much I missed them.

The time spent in India, outside of my family's signature pilgrimage vacations, was very relaxing. It gave me a chance to step back and reflect. Evaluate what I was seeing, how I was feeling. India was exactly what I had expected it to be: warm, chaotic, and beautiful. However, it wasn't familiar anymore. The instant joy I got from touching my feet to dusty, dry Indian soil had gone. Instead, I stood there with apprehension, and uncertainty.

I first noticed this when I was riding through the streets of New Delhi. I found myself looking around for the things I used to know. Sometimes, I found them and sometimes, I didn't. But it still shook me. It had never occurred to me that I would ever have to search for the little chaat shop around the corner from my aunt's house. I had just assumed it would always be there, with that old man always making us spicy panipuri. Little things like this disconcerted me at first, then confused me. I couldn't believe myself when I couldn't recognize the streets of my hometown that I used to take every single day to school.

Damn, things had changed. I had changed. My parents grew older, my sisters grew up, my cousins got married...everyone fell into a niche while I was away, leaving me outside. I missed it, but it didn't really bother me. I accepted it as just the way of things. I had left them outside too during my time here in this country. We are still as close but now we understand each other a little less. Nearly every conversation has to be prefaced. My sisters and I can't complete each other's sentences anymore but we still share everything. Will things improve? I don't know. I don't know what the future holds for us as a family.

My trip home also made me realize what being here in the US has come to mean to me. This country has taken all my loved ones away, but has given me a spirit, an identity. I know now to believe in myself. I know now that I really can do anything. It is true that any place can give you this feeling, but I get it from here. From this cold soil of this country which is not my home. From the strangers here who have made a home in my heart. From my friends, my mentors, my residents, my relatives. This country gave me a backbone, and then burdened it a million things. But that's okay. It's a fair burden and it is mine to bear.

As of now, I don't know which one of these do I love more: my family or my spirit. Going back means losing so much of what I have come to enjoy, including my independence. Going back also means being in the warmth and closeness of family.

...I hope I don't have to make a choice between the two. And I don't know if I will have to.