Let's talk

[Start]

So. Let's go for a walk.

“Your life beckons you. Are you ready?”
“No. I never was. I don’t think I will ever.”
“Oh yes, you will. You don’t have a choice.”

Silence.

“Your favorite color is black?”
“Yes. So?”
“Nothing. But…Isn’t Black what you get when all other wavelengths of light get absorbed?”
“Yes, so?”
“No other color can threaten Black. They all merge into it.”
“I like Blue was well.”
“Just as much as you like Black?”
“No.”

Pause.

“So, what threatens you?”
“What?”
“What are you afraid of?”
“I am not afraid.”

Pause.

“Why so much escapism?”
“There is no escapism. Leave me alone.”
“What do you fear?”
“Failure and rejection.”
“Those are just society’s perceptions. Break away from them.”
“I can’t.”
“You don’t need their judgment. You are not for sale.”
“Maybe I am…Stop looking into my eyes!”
“But they are doors.”
“And they are closed.”
“If I look long enough, they will open.”
“No, they won’t. Go away!”

Continue walking.

“What is in the rain?”
“Acid.”
“And in tears?”
“Water, Salt and Pain.”
“But you love the rain, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“The rain teaches you how to kiss.”
“Yes.”
“The rain brings back memories.”
“Yes.”
“The rain bleeds you white.”
“Yes.”
“The rain…it speaks.”
“What does it say?”
“It says… ‘Be free, my love.’ Let go.”

[End.]

Grief and Mourning

Grief and Mourning.

And Pain. A universal emotion that everyone must feel at some point in their lives.

I have felt it in me. I have heard them talk about it...Poets, and thinkers...and the unrequited. About pain's power to consume and of its darkness. I have felt that darkness. I have read poets lament in verse about it and seen the more common of us just give ourselves up to the magnitude of it and cry aloud. Incontrollably and inconsolably. Maybe it's the one thing that unites us all...

Why do I feel pain? Because I love.
I love with all my being-- my heart and my soul. Love and pain are the two things that my heart feels with all its rawness and intensity. It suffocates me. It drives me insane. Sometimes I wish that I wouldn't feel so much. I would give anything to be that stone that stands in the path of everything that strikes it, and yet does not flinch and feels no abrasion.

Cold. Cold and unyielding like that stone. And yet, I continue to feel. With the same passion, so much so that it possesses me. Truly and completely.

I can't breathe. Please take me away.

But there is no one who can take me away. I must face it. It's the only way I can ever merit any honor in my own eyes.
Who are the people of honor anyway? They are those who acknowledge the things and situations that life brings to them. Their courage is of the kind that makes you go down on your knees because of its scaredness and power.

My friend recently lost her love and one of her closests friends. I called her in an attempt to console her. For the next twenty minutes, all I could do is listen in silence as she sobbed on the other end.
I have never felt more helpless; never felt so humbled.
"I can understand what you're going through." But can I really? No. I can't. Not now, not ever. It's pain beyond measure. Beyond my imagination.
I also realized that you can never run away from grief. It always comes back to you. You must stand tall and face it. Do not hunch; hold your shoulders straight. Let it come and let it hit you with full force. At least you will have the comfort of knowing that you bore it with dignity and responsibility.

Perhaps this is what is called "personal growth." Maybe.

Or, maybe it's just that you have no other choice.

It made a lot of things clearer to me. There is too little time to waste. No time to hate, to bicker and to feel grudge and hurt. Even though you feel these emotions, you have to internalize the pain and walk on.
Life is just too short and unpredictable. I have dreams to fulfill and I don't want to die with regrets either. I do have some promises to keep and I have no time to waste. I want my visions realized.

Wind and Speed

Biking...

I have never practised it as a sport. Only recently have I discovered it as a hobby too.

Biking. Simplisitic and yet fulfilling in essence. Especially if you like looking around yourself a lot.

I didn't really learn to bike because I was interested in it. I learnt it because my younger sister would bike and it was embarrassing for me not to be able to. I think I even used to grudge it. Funny how things change as you grow older...

I love looking around me. It doesn't matter what I look at. I have always loved looking out of the window. No matter where I was. In a train, on a plane, even inside a house... I would always want the window seat. Wanted it since I was a child. Even if I looked out at the same view day in and day out, it didn't matter. The view has just to be interesting and arresting to my mind. Whether it be the skyline of Center City or just a view of the suburbs. I love it.
To the point where I sometimes ignore the person around me and concentrate all my attention to the view outside.

And biking gives me the same satisfaction. It's like constantly looking out of a window that has no frame. No boundaries. No wooden panels restrict your view...you can see as far as your line of vision can stretch. The blue skies and the green grass. Wherever you look. Or the dull gray of the pavements. I like it.
Another reason why biking appeals to me more is because I am an impatient person. I don't have enough patience to go walking or running. Its too slow. I can't wait for things to happen. I can't wait to get to my destination.
Naah.

Its the speed that thrills me. Biking is fast enough to give me the sensation of flight and speed...without my ears being jarred by the harsh sound of engines. I love going down the steep inclines and have the wind hitting my face as I pick up speed. Have it rushing past my ears. It almost feels like I am flying for those short moments. I am more aware of my own self in those moments. Almost as if I had my arms outstreched towards a huge wave that was rushing to meet me.

I might never have the physical strength to go biking up hills and mountains and steep tracks. But I love whatever little that my body allows me to do. Sometimes, when the road is empty...I bike right in the middle of it, with great speed...just for the thrill of it. I wish I could go faster, further and for longer.

The wind continues to hit my face. I screw up my face and narrow my eyes. Let's see how I fast I can make it to the other end of my journey.

Let's see.

Fragrances and Me

Just thinking about few smells that I love... I decided to put them down.

Smell of the pages of a brand new book. I always bury my nose in the pages of new books and close my eyes. I love the feeling, it always calms me down and makes me smile.
Of fresh earth when the rain *just* starts to fall. I love standing the rain and taking in this smell, slowly with my eyes on the sky and my arms spread out. Like an eagle about to soar. It gives me a sense of freedom and of raw beauty. Don't know why...
Smell of turpentine. On paintings, wood..everywhere. Its just powerful yet pleasant.
Acetone. I have loved this smell ever since I learnt how to paint my nails. I loved the smell of it and the sensation of it on my skin. It was as if someone had sprinkled miniscule grains of ice on my bare skin. Ah...
Lavender. Reminds me of tall trees and young women in the 1890s...running across fields of lavender trees in their hats and hooped skirts. This smell soothes me a lot.
Tangerine. Another sharp, yet pleasant smell. I love it for the momentary hint of sharpness it gives and then gives a feeling of chill. It reminds me of winters and well, oranges.
Petrol (that's what we call gas in India). I just love this one. Don't know why.
Coffee. No questions asked.
Eucalyptus. I love the smell of this tree's leaves. Especially when they burn...
Wood shavings. Again, I can't explain why I like this smell. It gives me a very raw and earthy feeling as well. And I love it too...

Thank you

"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you."

-- Anonymous