Void(0)

Going to have my last cigarette from the pack.

Tooth still hurts. 

Exam still on Thursday.

Ah.

Ashes on Concrete

As I sit here, under the burden of wasted time, I cannot help but think about how things would be if that time was not wasted. If indeed, every moment was utilized to the fullest, as many cliches advise us so. Would I be more successful, happier or more wise? It's difficult to know since its an outcome I have not experienced.

Of all the things I complain about on a regular basis, motivation (or lack thereof) is pretty high up on the list. Lack of motivation results in more wasted time, and lesser dreams accomplished. At the end of the day, it is very demoralizing but it is also very much self-orchestrated. Like some sort of vile addiction that is difficult to break even though it leaves the body helpless and sometimes, lifeless.

I wonder if it is possible to change. If it is possible to somehow consciously always remember to be frugal with time. To organize my day so that everything I wish to do in that day actually gets done, and within a reasonable amount of time too. If what can be done in 6 hours is done in 11, it is rather pointless, right?

I am beginning to realize that this, perhaps, is the biggest challenge I will ever face. To do what is right, versus what is easy. Giving in to distraction is easy. Too easy. Perhaps it is time to test whether I have the backbone to pursue what I know in my heart to be right, and my reward will be that I actually get to find out whether there really is a light at the end of the tunnel, rather than wondering for the rest of my life.

If you read this, and know what I'm talking about, it'd be cool if you could share your experience. What do you do when you find yourself in this vicious cycle?

Created by Oatmeal

Munchkin

I would like to humbly proclaim that this munchkin is humbly grateful for all the divine interventions in my life. I swear, if more people believed how awesome Hanumanji really is, their life would be less miserable. At least, mine is.

After spending much time observing others, I find it a bit sad to find that just to admit a little belief in something, people have to not only fight their own self-doubts, but also the prejudice of others, who despise everything in which the word "religious" appears even once. The pride in being an atheist. The pride in having nothing to believe in oneself. That is okay, of course. What is amusing is the condescension towards those who do need something else to believe in. Something else to fill the gap, when faith in oneself crashes. Something else to help restructure your soul. Many don't even know the difference between religious and spiritual anymore. Did we really become that self-sufficient? I must've missed that.

I am starting to wonder when it became bad to believe in the divine. When religion began to be used for mass control and manipulation? Or later, when it started influencing government policy, scientific education, and altering historical accounts? Or even long before, when different religious views were a cause to separate and divide communities into closed circles? The sort of division that sparks everyone's self-preservation instinct and a discomfort towards those that are different? We may never know.

Beliefs and opinions have always been a cause for argument, but not among people who are curious, and full of wonder towards things that are different and new. These are a cause for argument among self-righteous people, who are not only convinced that theirs is the correct, overarching idea, but also that others should also think so. Trouble really starts when such people are in positions of power. Curious thing is, nothing stimulates the Ego more than these two things, and which is why even close friends will have arguments over these. There is so much complexity to human psychology, and I really do wonder how it evolved.

Even as I write this, through my rambling questions, is a hint of self-doubt. I never pray in public, yet I carry around my Hanuman Chalisa in public, always. And I really am not sure which I despise more: judgment from those who don't understand why I choose to believe, or judgment from those who themselves have nothing to believe in, and are thus unable to accept their faults and move on. Because there is nothing that can catch them to bring them home. Perhaps one day, I shall evolve too, and stop caring.

Resolution 2011

After not-so-much deliberation,  I have decided upon the following resolutions:

1. Keep more promises.
2. Actually carry out my good intentions more often.
3. Be more ambitious.
4. Work harder.
5. Focus more.

This year for the first time, I will actually come back to this list at the end of the year and evaluate my success.