The dying mentor - Nature Careers Columnist Competition Entry

This is the non-winning entry I submitted to Nature's Careers columnist competition on March 29, 2013. Basically, the goal is to write "a sample column, 650 words long, that uses personal experience to provide insight on a topic of great interest to young scientists."

I wanted to informally publish this here, on a less public platform than Facebook, a) to get a time stamp on it, and b) to get feedback from people as I intend to improve this entry and re-submit it next year. If there any ideas for other, better topics, please do let me know as well.
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The Dying Mentor

A few months ago, my mentor lent me Horace Freeland Judson’s phenomenal book, the Eighth Day of Creation: Makes of the Revolution in Biology. He thought I’d enjoy this book, given some common books we liked. Eighth Day of Creation is perhaps the most compelling and comprehensive chronicle of the breakthroughs in molecular biology, and has been since 1979. It is also a mammoth and I am probably going to plough through it for a while. 

This book does many things. It provides a complete picture of the transformative discoveries of our discipline by focusing on the why, how and by whom. There is considerable focus on the personalities of individual scientists and how that influenced their thinking, their choice of problems to investigate, and how they conducted their investigation. For a young scientist like me, reading this is very inspiring, and also instructive. It shows me how to leverage my own strengths and weaknesses as I embark on my as-yet unknown quest. However, it also makes me considerably jealous.

This book is filled with great mentors— people who gave birth to incredible scientists by nurturing their talent, their quirky personalities, and their good and bad habits. Mentors who modeled a traditional master-apprentice relationship, and entrusted their trainees with their favorite puzzles as an act of faith and commitment. Mentors whose investment went beyond that puzzle, and extended to the scientific future of their students. Mentors who are much in scarcity today. And unfortunately, I can say this from personal experience. 

For one, the scenario has changed significantly. Science has become more of a business and businessmen run this show. The scramble for research grants turns most well-meaning, enthusiastic and curious scientists into salesmen and administrators. The time that was spent on in depth scientific discussions is now spent devising ways to dazzle the study sections at funding agencies. It is now the nature of this beast. The stakes are high, the patience is low, and the time is precious. 

Second, there is now an apparent disposability and replaceability of the trainee. This is because of an increase in the sheer number of graduate students pursuing doctoral degrees; and rapidly improving and economical technology that can often substitute for manual work. The accessibility of cheap technology and automation to academic and industrial labs alike has made scientific investigation faster, and very large scale. Simple, but time-consuming tasks can now be outsourced, and robots and algorithms can be built that allow data mining at a scale that was unimaginable even ten years ago. 

This has also created the false perception that thinking can be substituted for doing. As a result, mentors are much less motivated to invest in developing the critical scientific thought, and not just skill, of their trainees.  And when the time comes for the student to take the next step and become an independent researcher, many find themselves in a lurch. The ability, and the confidence to be able to function as their own scientific entity is just not there. 

This has to change. Now. History shows us that major breakthroughs were made by a few people that approached a problem from several angles, and each solved a piece of the puzzle. Scientific progress requires thinkers from diverse backgrounds and skill sets. While it requires collaboration, it also requires independence. It requires mentors like my current mentor, who is willing to train a scientist, encourage independent scientific thought, and invest in my professional development. 

My previous mentors were in stark contrast, and it made a tremendous difference. Earlier, I was pursuing a doctoral degree. I am now a scientist-in-training, learning to recognize relevant scientific questions and how to answer them. Because my mentor is invested in my future, and is providing me with the tools to succeed, including his copy of the Eighth Day of Creation, I feel confident that I can.

Footnote: I will most likely re-purpose this entry for some other publication as well.

Last resort

I think introspection is highly overrated. Every time I do it, I end up coming up with questions that I have no answers to, feelings and emotions I can't explain, and realities of my nature that I would rather not admit. I guess the idea would be to take note of these things and try to change. Except, I don't.

I have written myself reminders, bought two damn planners, made deals with God, and all such strategies have been exploited, but there hasn't been much avail. Perhaps writing about my struggles would be therapeutic, I thought, so I wrote and wrote about these on this blog, and except for them becoming repetitive posts on the same theme - much like a broken record, nothing really happened.

So now, at this point in my life, which is almost threatening to spin out of my control, this whole inability to change bugs me even more. What sort of a future will I have with this attitude? Will I make a good home for someone? How about raising children? And I want to raise kids who are good people, mind you. It's not easy and I certainly don't have the faintest clue on how to do it. 

For example, one constant struggle is that I want to be on top of the literature and have a deep, thorough understanding of the foundations of my current research. A lot of my insecurities would go away, and I would feel significantly more confident conducting my work and having scientific discussions with experts. I spend hours on the internet searching for relevant papers, and I print them out with all zeal there is to have. However, they just sit in my drawer. This consequently makes me terrified that people think I know more than I do, and consequently have expectations that I am unable to meet. 

The obvious solution is action. I really should read everything I intend to, finish everything I start, but I really feel defeated. Why can I not do it? Why the hell am I wasting my brain and wasting my time doing these stupid things when I should be reading? And no, the answer is not that the work isn't interesting. Every single paper I print is something I want to read. I think the last resort is to have someone hold me accountable. It'll have to be someone with authority over me so that I actually am afraid of not meeting my goals. 

The other option is something my friend Nimisha, God bless her, posted about. It is called Beeminder, and they actually take money from you if you don't meet your goals. I think I am going to sign up. Watch this space for reviews. If I am not totally broke, some good will have come of it, I guess.

Also, I should note that every time I write one of these posts, I am reminded of the concept of verbal vomit as related by Lindsay Lohan from Mean Girls (though I believe the script was written by Tina Fey). I guess God should bless them too.

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An update to this, as of August 2013: I tried Stickk.com to help me stay on top of reading papers. Basically, if you don't meet a goal, you authorize this website to donate money to someone, someone you love, or someone you hate. I thought if I ended up donating money to someone I hate when I didn't meet my goal, it would work. It didn't and the NRA has ended up with 15 stinking dollars of my money. Now, I am at an impasse and I have no idea what to do. Sucks.

Honestly, I must confess

Honesty isn't easy. It might be convenient at times, but certainly not easy.

To be honest, I wrote this post today, but blogger will tell you I went back in time to write it at 8.03 AM on February 26th.  Maybe I am the new Dr. Who. Who knows? Paha!

Planner Update

My new planner (see post below for reference) arrived in less than a week. It has been written in but has hardly been useful.
::sigh::
I almost want to rage about this but yet again, I am too lazy to do so.

Prediction

If I were to honestly sit down and pin point what I predict my downfall in life would be, it will most certainly be a regretful lack of the ability to self-motivate. Resulting in laziness of such severe proportions that every year, all lists grow longer. Of things to do, resolutions to fulfill, promises to hold, friends to keep, and habits to break.

Things have reached such an appalling low that I am now almost an existential spectator in this situation. What do I mean? Let's see if I can put it into coherent sentences. Everytime I fail to do something that I really want to do because it was easier to just not do it, I can feel myself going through the motions of disappointment, regret and monotony, as if I were watching myself from outside my body. However, I have become so numb, and these motions and their pattern have become so familiar, that I know to expect them at every instance, and therefore, let them pass me with indifference.
The result being inevitable repetition of unfinished things, and keeping of bad habits. Hell, I don't even finish books anymore. The last book I finished was the Diary of Anne Frank, and that was in the summer, and even that simple book took me months to get through. Solely because I wouldn't sit down and just finish it.

I think the answer is very simple and I think I am going to try and record how much time it'll take me since writing this post to actually get to a point of action. When at work, I keep a daily task list in my planner. Tasks related to my research. At the start of each day, a list is created with all things that need to happen that day, and as I do them, I check them off. Doing this not only forces me to finish everything I must, but allows me to remember to do everything too, and to organize my day accordingly. And on each day that I am able to check everything off that list, I feel incredible. Exhausted, but content, with a sense of pride at job well done. There is a clear reward system going on here.
I really need adopt a similar strategy and make daily lists of personal tasks to be accomplished. Perhaps getting another planner is in order. (Order while free trial of Amazon Prime lasts. Ha!). Will I look retarded keeping two planners? Yes. And you know what, that's okay. I need to own up to how dysfunctional my lack of discipline has made me, and do whatever it takes to improve. And also recognize when I really am not moving forward and getting stuck in recursive loops of sorts.