How to start a car.

This is one of those posts that I write to sort out several overwhelming emotions that I experience simultaneously from time to time. So yes, I suppose you could call this very personal. But I have to write about it. Perhaps it will act like therapy. In any case, I have high hopes for something imaginary that I think it will result in.

Today was one of those few instance of my life where I felt extremely encumbered and paralyzed by experience and memory. Brain is such a funny organ. And memories are such a weird phenomenon.

I feel jealous of everyone who hasn't had an experience like mine. Perhaps that is why they are confident and a simple act of driving a car isn't an insurmountable problem to them. Needless to say, most of what I am experiencing is negative. I already have a cigarette in me, and I am proceeding to down shitty beer in big gulps. I admit, it has restored my breathing to normal.

Perhaps I really am more like my father than I would care to admit. Perhaps I really am not that fearless, strong-willed person that I would have myself believe in. I am afraid. And my paralyzing fear causes me so much anxiety that the mere act of starting a car makes me break down as if I have just experienced incalculable loss of something irreplaceable. Yes, it is good to have more people who have faith in you. Some of those unfortunate ones happen to love you, and it is for their sake that I have to do this absolutely undesirable task of driving. I mean, I wouldn't want to be in a situation where someone I love is having a serious emergency, and I cannot drive them to the hospital or wherever else emergencies tend to lead humans. I assume people have to drive to these places.

So, obviously I am resentful that the world is conspiring to have me go through this terrible trauma. But was my trauma really so terrible that it surfaces every time a steering wheel is within a meter of me? No, it wasn't. Hell, that accident wasn't even so bad. No one died, and I don't have the lifelong guilt of having cost a human life. I suppose this makes it all trivial and I shouldn't place too much importance on it.

And I really managed to convince myself of that. That I am over-thinking this. I am making it out to be a bigger deal that it was and as soon as I actually do the deed, it won't be so bad. Except that it was, and probably worse. And it wasn't just in my head. It took over my whole body. I had a nightmare about this last week and I was going to die. And when I was behind that steering wheel, I somehow knew with utmost clarity that I really was going to die.

So now, apart from drinking shitty beer, I am seriously considering getting some anti-anxiety medication before I have to make the next attempt, because obviously Dutch courage isn't going to work in this situation. I think when and if I ever do actually start driving, I might have to ask my passengers to bring reading material, as I am not likely to be doing any talking when driving. Ever.

I mean, this is all so ridiculous, and it makes me feel like shit. Fuck this country.

Love,
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A Brief History of the Past 6 months

Wow, that was a long break. However, not because I haven't had much to say. In fact, very important things happened but they never found room here because of my latest downward spiral with time management. I haven't yet emerged from the spiral but I suspect some gust of wind will propel and eject me soon enough seeing as how I have to get 2 publications out in eleven months. Talk about lighting a fire under one's ass.

A lot has happened. I am in a new apartment, for starters. It is a much better, albeit more expensive place than the previous one. I am putting more effort into making it look good, but the effort is slow and the progress isn't much. At least I managed to get a picture of Guzu and one of the Grand Canyon up on the walls. There is a Monet replica behind me too. Feels pretty good.

Aside from that, the only exciting thing worth reporting is that I went to the American Society of Biochemistry and Molecular Biology's annual meeting in San Diego. I was rather nervous and insecure, seeing as how my results were not good, and I was going alone, without my mentor. I had no idea how I was going to network, who I was going to meet/talk to. All of that took care of itself, and somehow I managed to step out of my comfort zone and talk to people. 3 faculty members. Hell, I even went to Scripps on my own dime to talk to people! (Yeah, I know. Also, La Jolla is just stunning - wouldn't mind working there.)  Not bad. (Note to self: put in reimbursement request before I forget). Several sessions on career development were helpful - found myself taking copious notes on how to negotiate during a post-doc interview. Learned about informational interviews. While it is rather overwhelming how much work all of this takes, the rewards exist. The network does come in handy long term.

Another exciting thing is that I am reading again. And I mean actually finishing books in a decent amount of time, expected of someone who can read, really. I will have to credit the first-reads giveaways done by Goodreads for this. If it weren't for the fact that I must read and review these books in a timely fashion, I would have never been able to break my bad habit of leaving books unfinished.

Gotta go feed the bird. He's going to be 2 years old soon! I can't believe it!

Today's Challenge

Okay, so this is fairly important. What am I about to introspect on is going to form the basis of my career.
Why am I going into research - making science my full-time job? It's definitely because I love the scientific method and how it helps us understand ourselves and our environment. I love solving puzzles; figuring out how things work. I am not interested in A resulting in B, as I am in how A results in B. Working on basic mechanisms has a thrill that is capable of eliciting that content sigh, when a working model finally falls into place. Great, this is all good. Quite a bit of E.O. Wilson influence there, but I am not complaining.

So then today, I came home after dinner with Bruce Stillman, the current director and president of Cold Spring Harbor Laboratories, I was really bummed out - it was almost as if someone had delivered a blow to my face. I had been really looking forward to meeting him, in the hopes that he might have something to say that may help my struggles with trying to find a direction in the future, picking a good scientific problem to work on and so on. However, the interactions I had chilled me to the bone because it seemed like success in this field was for those who were bright, and had seized great opportunities to excel, like doing a postdoc at CSHL and knowing the likes of James Watson.

Yes, I should have done that. I should have known from the very beginning, and focused towards it all my life. But it didn't happen that way, and even now, I am still discovering the things I love, and where I want to go 2 years ago, is completely different from where I want to go now. When I asked him how he got interested in the research that he has made such a successful career out of, I basically got "an interesting story" which led to the moral that he got interested in it as an undergraduate during his honors research year. He knew from day #1 that he wanted to do this.

He also said things like "I like to break new ground, so when a problem is mature, I consider it done and move on." Well, I would also like to break new ground, but this doesn't help me determine if I should become an expert in the field I am currently in, or if I should switch to another to demonstrate training potential that NIH recommends. That had been my question - whether there is any value left in coming an expert. My gut tells me yes, and I was just looking for some insight. Thanks.

Before this turns into a terrible whine, I want to reconsider why I am so bummed about this, and what that means to me. Meeting him and hearing a lot of what he had to say made me feel like I had wasted my life, as I had not done great research as an undergrad, am not going to a great, big research institution like Harvard etc. for my graduate training, and will most likely not do a postdoc at CSH. Why? What is my measure of success? I was talking with one of my close friends about this and she asked, well, does success to you mean being him? If I do not want to become him, then his words shouldn't make me feel discouraged, she said.

No, certainly not. But I realized that success does mean to me as having some recognition. I do not want to become him, and I do not want Nature, Science or Cell papers, but I would like, say an occasional PNAS or PLoS paper. So then am I going into science for recognition? Because that's bad. You go into science and research for the sake of solving the problem that motivates you.

So the challenge remains is to figure out what it is exactly I want from a career in research. Like my friend said, I have to reconcile what I want and what I am willing to do. If I am not willing/capable of doing something, I shouldn't want it. However, if I want something, I should do what it takes, bringing me back to the question of what I want. This is going to be extremely difficult and I'll likely have to keep coming back to it over the weeks, months, years to come.

For the sake of beginning, I'll make an attempt to list what I want from my research career:

1. To work on a biological problem that is doable (aka possible to make some progress in 3 years), has broader scientific relevance and has the potential to contribute to changing/broadening the fundamentals of how we understand biology. This is the best advice I got from Stillman, and I intend on sticking to it. I am going to find a problem such as this that motivates me and make it my life. This will take a lot, lot of reading.
2. Some recognition. Mainly through papers in medium to high impact factor journals. Most medium will do, as long as I have one or two high impact. I would like an award or two as well, however minor and even internal they are.
3. A medium-paced career. I do not want a very high stress environment, and also not something that is very laid back. If I have answered two fundamental questions in biology before I retire, I will consider my job done. I don't know if that is a stretch.
4. To not do the same experiments all the time, all throughout my career - I would like to be able to stretch across fields to utilize different techniques/approaches.
5. Use, rather than develop technology. So I am going to have to target an environment where enough excellent scientists and engineers are present who can develop technologies that will revolutionize research. This will also mean that I will have to end up at a large, rather than small research institution, where enough senior mentors can be found and enough "core facilities" are present. This is going to be a tough one if I don't have the credentials.

Based on the above, the things I can do right now (to get what I want):
1. Publish (credentials)
2. Read (knowledge to identify a scientific problem)
3. Get a fellowship/award (to be competitive for a high profile research institution)

#1 and #3 will be most challenging, and I am not sure if I can make it work. I also don't know how much I still have in me. Part of me really feels burnt out, but clearly that part of me did not just finish writing this post. And then there are people I love. I cannot forget about them.

God help me.

Recall

Today, I realized that I love the smell of old books just as much as I love the smell of new books. Perhaps this is why I keep collecting books and never read them. Or why I will continue to buy books despite being given a Kindle for my birthday.

In other news, today I am also reading a book for fun, in God knows how long. What motivated me finally, you ask? Well, I checked this book out of the library, and was supposed to have it until January 24th, but some douchebag has decided to put it on recall and now I only have until tomorrow. But I will read this book, goddammit. Or die trying.

Sigh. Don't know whether to wind the watch or bark at the moon. 

Update (10.11.13): I finished the above book. The race begins now for another book that must be finished before recall on Oct 22nd.

The dying mentor - Nature Careers Columnist Competition Entry

This is the non-winning entry I submitted to Nature's Careers columnist competition on March 29, 2013. Basically, the goal is to write "a sample column, 650 words long, that uses personal experience to provide insight on a topic of great interest to young scientists."

I wanted to informally publish this here, on a less public platform than Facebook, a) to get a time stamp on it, and b) to get feedback from people as I intend to improve this entry and re-submit it next year. If there any ideas for other, better topics, please do let me know as well.
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The Dying Mentor

A few months ago, my mentor lent me Horace Freeland Judson’s phenomenal book, the Eighth Day of Creation: Makes of the Revolution in Biology. He thought I’d enjoy this book, given some common books we liked. Eighth Day of Creation is perhaps the most compelling and comprehensive chronicle of the breakthroughs in molecular biology, and has been since 1979. It is also a mammoth and I am probably going to plough through it for a while. 

This book does many things. It provides a complete picture of the transformative discoveries of our discipline by focusing on the why, how and by whom. There is considerable focus on the personalities of individual scientists and how that influenced their thinking, their choice of problems to investigate, and how they conducted their investigation. For a young scientist like me, reading this is very inspiring, and also instructive. It shows me how to leverage my own strengths and weaknesses as I embark on my as-yet unknown quest. However, it also makes me considerably jealous.

This book is filled with great mentors— people who gave birth to incredible scientists by nurturing their talent, their quirky personalities, and their good and bad habits. Mentors who modeled a traditional master-apprentice relationship, and entrusted their trainees with their favorite puzzles as an act of faith and commitment. Mentors whose investment went beyond that puzzle, and extended to the scientific future of their students. Mentors who are much in scarcity today. And unfortunately, I can say this from personal experience. 

For one, the scenario has changed significantly. Science has become more of a business and businessmen run this show. The scramble for research grants turns most well-meaning, enthusiastic and curious scientists into salesmen and administrators. The time that was spent on in depth scientific discussions is now spent devising ways to dazzle the study sections at funding agencies. It is now the nature of this beast. The stakes are high, the patience is low, and the time is precious. 

Second, there is now an apparent disposability and replaceability of the trainee. This is because of an increase in the sheer number of graduate students pursuing doctoral degrees; and rapidly improving and economical technology that can often substitute for manual work. The accessibility of cheap technology and automation to academic and industrial labs alike has made scientific investigation faster, and very large scale. Simple, but time-consuming tasks can now be outsourced, and robots and algorithms can be built that allow data mining at a scale that was unimaginable even ten years ago. 

This has also created the false perception that thinking can be substituted for doing. As a result, mentors are much less motivated to invest in developing the critical scientific thought, and not just skill, of their trainees.  And when the time comes for the student to take the next step and become an independent researcher, many find themselves in a lurch. The ability, and the confidence to be able to function as their own scientific entity is just not there. 

This has to change. Now. History shows us that major breakthroughs were made by a few people that approached a problem from several angles, and each solved a piece of the puzzle. Scientific progress requires thinkers from diverse backgrounds and skill sets. While it requires collaboration, it also requires independence. It requires mentors like my current mentor, who is willing to train a scientist, encourage independent scientific thought, and invest in my professional development. 

My previous mentors were in stark contrast, and it made a tremendous difference. Earlier, I was pursuing a doctoral degree. I am now a scientist-in-training, learning to recognize relevant scientific questions and how to answer them. Because my mentor is invested in my future, and is providing me with the tools to succeed, including his copy of the Eighth Day of Creation, I feel confident that I can.

Footnote: I will most likely re-purpose this entry for some other publication as well.