One Month or Bust

Today officially marks one month until my thesis defense, the unofficial end to this six-year long saga that is graduate school. Obviously as anyone can guess, this is going to be brutal purely because my inertia of rest is limitless and my activation energy practically exponential. We'll see how things turn out. However, on the upside, I am definitely not lacking people to commiserate with or people who support me with boundless patience. Such as my poor spouse, for example.

In an effort to use external factors to motivate me, I have officially decided to get my second tattoo almost immediately after my defense. I had always reserved a new tattoo for the occasion when I finally finished my PhD, so I guess this just me merely following through with that. I have a design and I have a place in mind - same joint as where I got my first tattoo.

A few important dates worthy of listing

Sept 30: submit manuscript
Oct 13: Thesis due
Oct 20: Thesis Defense

What's next? Not sure yet, but broadly it'll be a postdoctoral research position. Where? What topic? No idea. One thing at a time. 

Your Legacy

After a day of being emotionally overwhelmed, I am quite drained. Isn't it strange? Abstract emotions having the same effect on your body, as not-so-abstract, strenuous exercise.

Just being human comes with a slew of complexities, so much so that you sometimes envy animals for the simple lives they can lead, guided by pure instinct. The rules of the jungle, of survival of the fittest, to each his own, all apply. What is the morality of animals? Do they have a sense of right or wrong?

As Evolutionary Studies have taught me to understand, the main goal of every animal's life is to propagate it's genes. Most theories of Aging, and now some substantial data, suggest that aging doesn't start in many animals unless they have reproduced. However, once they have, what is called "senescence" begins. Nature guides them throughout their lives, so it must also guide their morality. "Right" and "wrong" in this case are instead "beneficial to survival" and "detrimental to survival." As long as they follow the rules of Nature, they survive; their species proliferates, flourishes.

If only that helped us. Perhaps as a punishment (or reward) for being endowed with a "superior brain," us humans have been left to our own devices. Figure it out. Everything. Choose your own morality. Many prophets, thinkers, and leaders have given us ideologies, philosophies to live by, sometimes even religions to cling on to, as a crutch. However, in the context of real life, these are not enough. There are decisions that need to be made each moment, that these ideas and philosophies provide no answers to. Most Religion in our times is used for establishing order, and control rather than to actually bring people closer to their souls. The Inner Self lies forgotten, and way outside the agendas. All that is left, then, is darkness and the unknown.

You must learn not to be afraid of this darkness; this unknown and forge a path through it for yourself. And you must do this alone. Because your soul is your own, so is your responsibility for what you do with it.

True maturity and acumen comes from knowing you are finite. There is only so much time, and there is only so much you to take it all in.  While you live, you must experience it all but you must all be able to envision an end for yourself. How do you want to feel when you take your last breath?


Post-edit: I started this post way back in November 2009, making it one of my oldest posts that started in a different era of my personality, and is getting completed after significant changes to my thinking. But, as before, I try to leave the original text untouched, except for placeholders with vague ideas that I have now replaced with the actual thought that I had wanted to expound on.

I felt very strongly about the death of a stranger who, in my mind, had a lot of potential to make an impact in the world and in the lives of people. This man was exceptionally bright, and was all set to forge a career in biomedical sciences and therapeutics. I was really excited for all the things he would do. Jealous that he had a brain that I had always wanted. An understanding that came to me through immersion and repetition but to him was almost intuitive. How could anyone be so smart? And this was all from afar. Overheard conversations, recounted stories and exchanges, but nothing really personal. What does one do with all this cleverness? Do you pursue ideas or small, finite problems with a defined end? Is it isolating to know so much and understand so much? Do you get so caught up in your own, racing mind that it holds you like a vice and you cannot escape to a state where your mind is calm? I mostly just wondered about him, half-intrigued and half-afraid of what it would be like to be like him.

However, when he died, I somehow stayed up most of the night, alternating between crying and wondering why I was crying. I was sad for a friend who he was very dear to, and who was now suffering. But that was not what was making me so upset. So what was it? This post came out of me trying to understand my overwhelming sadness.

His passing had got me thinking about Time and the way the Universe plays out. They say everyone has a Destiny. What was the destiny of those whose life was cut short? Was it already accomplished or was it left undone? It also got me thinking about the geniuses in the world. The bright minds that innovate and move the world forward. It had never struck me before that all we ever look at is a percentage of all the world's genius, the remainder never getting an opportunity to learn, create and influence. The idea of people getting left out of life or getting left behind just filled me with a lot of sadness, even though it did not alarm me.

Life is a constant equilibrium of all factors that add and subtract, with the rest being a state that one must learn to exist in, and identify factors to develop a new equilibrium if we want to achieve another state. But the addition and subtraction always remains. Our lives are just as much Physics and Chemistry as Biology.

I did also learn that there are things such as a Finite Life that you don't necessary notice until your body starts to fail you. It starts with a pair of glasses and perhaps ends with a wheelchair and a tube down your throat. After 25, you do stop being invincible, your metabolism craps out on you, and your needs change in mundane and significant ways. Sometimes it feels like your own "decision" and at other times, it feels like following the crowd. But it happens. My tattoo was born from these ideas, and from another formative experience I was to have about three years later. Memento mori. And while it is something I try to remember, it is so easy to forget it in the daily routine of things. It's a constant frustration that I still haven't figured out how to manage, and I have exhausted this blog venting those feelings.

I also learned about things like one's legacy and the idea of regret at lost time. How does one want to be remembered? What does one want to be able to remember at the final stretch? It made me afraid of memory loss, setting me on a path of more reflection, more documentation of experiences - both material and in memory, which inherently requires you to always be present. Again, it is something I don't always do but now, I do have a sense of loss when I am not truly present and I am thankful that I realize that.

So here's an ode to the most unlikely and unexpected formative experience that I have had in my life. Rest in peace, dear stranger. I am not quite sure why but I really will never forget you. You were perhaps the only person I have ever encountered who had a razor sharp brain and actual flame-throwers for eyes. 

Māui

While also a Hawaiian island, Māui is a hero in Polynesian mythology and a trickster in Greek mythology. It is also what Kevin has decided to name the newest addition to our family. (Oh, did I mention that I got married? Oops.)

Our Māui has the same origins as Guzu in that they are from the same bird store! We brought her home and she's been learning quickly ever since. (We think it's a she. Who knows). When not imitating Guzu, Māui is following him around. I cannot wait for her wings to grow out - air raids in our apartment! Yes, I know that we're probably the only crazies that excited at that prospect. But, on the up side, we've become really good at cleaning poop. True story.

A big welcome to this wee lil bundle of mischief!

Resolution

I think I finally have a resolution for this year. Thanks to social media, I have been feeling the pressure to have been reflective around December end and come up with a resolution. I didn't have a legitimate resolution that I knew I'd wanna keep so I let sleeping dogs lie. However, I am going to be closing some chapters of life this year and open up new ones, and I am desperately going to need a new mindset, motivation, and most importantly, a lot of confidence.

Resolution: I am going to try to build up my confidence in my abilities.
I think I used to have it at some point. And I had the grit to back it up. But I lost it somewhere and never got it back.

Background: I want to do many things and go many places but more often than not, I don't think I am good enough and that I can really do it and survive (and shine) in a competitive environment of geniuses. I do wanna work for smart people and be able to have interesting conversations with them as peers.

Action Plan: Read everything - journals, books, reviews, whatever. Basically read about topics that I am uncomfortable with and wish I knew more, including concepts as well as techniques. Instead of being afraid that I don't know much, I am going to try to change that by reading and learning. And then hopefully I won't feel this overwhelming lack of confidence. Read everything about things that come up in discussions to which I remember saying in my head "I should look that up." Write it down and look it up later, instead of, well, forgetting about it.

Potential pitfalls: Lack of motivation to actually go through with this with persistence. It is really fucking hard to improve onself. I am feeling all gung-ho right now. No idea what will happen when this feeling passes. Sigh.

Fostering a culture of science through science festivals

I am trying to collect bylines in freelance science writing in order to join the National Association of Science Writers. 5 published samples from the past 5 years are required so this is going to be my first one. Topics must be "about science" so I assume it encompasses science policy, science education, and research itself too.

Here's the first one, a guest post published on Rutgers Graduate Student Blog.

Confessions of a Caffeine Addict - In verse!

I adapted Confessions of a Caffeine Addict into a poem for a submission under the topic of "Hobbies" for the American Society of Biochemistry and Microbiology. I actually have no idea what a poem is supposed to look like, and heck, that some avant garde shit man. 

AND this is the uncut version, people. This is not the actual entry.

--

A hobby, 

you say?

Why, yes! 

Coffee.

Coffee? Coffee. Coffee!

A juxtaposition of letters so beautiful, so perfect.

Like a greek key.

It had to be Coffee, obviously. 

What else was I supposed to fall in love with?

In times such as these, 

when we are all trying to be super-human, 

perfect and accomplished, 

or to maybe just graduate,

Coffee is a lifeline. 

It is the blood that runs in our veins. 

A propagandist tool, a cultural icon

And a grad student’s best friend.

Coffee is always there, when no one else is.

When all the lights, including yours, have gone out.

It is a cruel mistress, 

An impudent servant who knows it is much needed. 

A disease and a cure,

A color and a culture; the identity and pride of entire nations.

Savior of the Earth.

It is a cruel mistress, 

An impudent servant who knows it is much needed. 

A disease and a cure,

A color and a culture; the identity and pride of entire nations.

Savior of the Earth.

For all of Tea's royal patronage, 

Coffee’s disarming charm is what has all us masses rooting for it. 

The reticent, subtle activist, making you oh-so-benevolent as you 

drink that Fair Trade coffee, 

from your local coffee shop, 

as your struggle with that damn writer’s block.

Coffee is the illusionist emperor of a kingdom of over-achievers, 

a Pope of a religion of caffeine addiction, 

And I am here to spread its gospel. 

I believe in Coffee.

It is my addiction and my lifestyle, 

My midnight-oil burner, and my stress reliever,

And my social tool -- coffee is really why I still have friends.

Coffee is to me as a muse is to an artist,

What a co-factor is to an enzyme,

A part of my identity;

It completes me.

Coffee is my Mona Lisa, 

whose cryptic charm I contemplate

and savor 

with all my senses. 

Just contemplating Coffee 

in all its elegance 

and fragrance 

gives me calm and energy, 

sets my brain is on fire and puts my body at ease. 

If I sell my life away for something, it would be Coffee. 

If I invest in anything before the world economy crashes, it would be Coffee. 

If I ever write this thesis, it would be dedicated to Coffee.

So my fellow scientists,

If you ever find me lost, 

With failed experiments and ill-fitting data,

wandering and helpless on the streets, 

crying for wisdom of those long gone,

just hand me a delightful cappuccino before the world ends.

How to start a car.

This is one of those posts that I write to sort out several overwhelming emotions that I experience simultaneously from time to time. So yes, I suppose you could call this very personal. But I have to write about it. Perhaps it will act like therapy. In any case, I have high hopes for something imaginary that I think it will result in.

Today was one of those few instance of my life where I felt extremely encumbered and paralyzed by experience and memory. Brain is such a funny organ. And memories are such a weird phenomenon.

I feel jealous of everyone who hasn't had an experience like mine. Perhaps that is why they are confident and a simple act of driving a car isn't an insurmountable problem to them. Needless to say, most of what I am experiencing is negative. I already have a cigarette in me, and I am proceeding to down shitty beer in big gulps. I admit, it has restored my breathing to normal.

Perhaps I really am more like my father than I would care to admit. Perhaps I really am not that fearless, strong-willed person that I would have myself believe in. I am afraid. And my paralyzing fear causes me so much anxiety that the mere act of starting a car makes me break down as if I have just experienced incalculable loss of something irreplaceable. Yes, it is good to have more people who have faith in you. Some of those unfortunate ones happen to love you, and it is for their sake that I have to do this absolutely undesirable task of driving. I mean, I wouldn't want to be in a situation where someone I love is having a serious emergency, and I cannot drive them to the hospital or wherever else emergencies tend to lead humans. I assume people have to drive to these places.

So, obviously I am resentful that the world is conspiring to have me go through this terrible trauma. But was my trauma really so terrible that it surfaces every time a steering wheel is within a meter of me? No, it wasn't. Hell, that accident wasn't even so bad. No one died, and I don't have the lifelong guilt of having cost a human life. I suppose this makes it all trivial and I shouldn't place too much importance on it.

And I really managed to convince myself of that. That I am over-thinking this. I am making it out to be a bigger deal that it was and as soon as I actually do the deed, it won't be so bad. Except that it was, and probably worse. And it wasn't just in my head. It took over my whole body. I had a nightmare about this last week and I was going to die. And when I was behind that steering wheel, I somehow knew with utmost clarity that I really was going to die.

So now, apart from drinking shitty beer, I am seriously considering getting some anti-anxiety medication before I have to make the next attempt, because obviously Dutch courage isn't going to work in this situation. I think when and if I ever do actually start driving, I might have to ask my passengers to bring reading material, as I am not likely to be doing any talking when driving. Ever.

I mean, this is all so ridiculous, and it makes me feel like shit. Fuck this country.

Love,
< >

A Brief History of the Past 6 months

Wow, that was a long break. However, not because I haven't had much to say. In fact, very important things happened but they never found room here because of my latest downward spiral with time management. I haven't yet emerged from the spiral but I suspect some gust of wind will propel and eject me soon enough seeing as how I have to get 2 publications out in eleven months. Talk about lighting a fire under one's ass.

A lot has happened. I am in a new apartment, for starters. It is a much better, albeit more expensive place than the previous one. I am putting more effort into making it look good, but the effort is slow and the progress isn't much. At least I managed to get a picture of Guzu and one of the Grand Canyon up on the walls. There is a Monet replica behind me too. Feels pretty good.

Aside from that, the only exciting thing worth reporting is that I went to the American Society of Biochemistry and Molecular Biology's annual meeting in San Diego. I was rather nervous and insecure, seeing as how my results were not good, and I was going alone, without my mentor. I had no idea how I was going to network, who I was going to meet/talk to. All of that took care of itself, and somehow I managed to step out of my comfort zone and talk to people. 3 faculty members. Hell, I even went to Scripps on my own dime to talk to people! (Yeah, I know. Also, La Jolla is just stunning - wouldn't mind working there.)  Not bad. (Note to self: put in reimbursement request before I forget). Several sessions on career development were helpful - found myself taking copious notes on how to negotiate during a post-doc interview. Learned about informational interviews. While it is rather overwhelming how much work all of this takes, the rewards exist. The network does come in handy long term.

Another exciting thing is that I am reading again. And I mean actually finishing books in a decent amount of time, expected of someone who can read, really. I will have to credit the first-reads giveaways done by Goodreads for this. If it weren't for the fact that I must read and review these books in a timely fashion, I would have never been able to break my bad habit of leaving books unfinished.

Gotta go feed the bird. He's going to be 2 years old soon! I can't believe it!

Today's Challenge

Okay, so this is fairly important. What am I about to introspect on is going to form the basis of my career.
Why am I going into research - making science my full-time job? It's definitely because I love the scientific method and how it helps us understand ourselves and our environment. I love solving puzzles; figuring out how things work. I am not interested in A resulting in B, as I am in how A results in B. Working on basic mechanisms has a thrill that is capable of eliciting that content sigh, when a working model finally falls into place. Great, this is all good. Quite a bit of E.O. Wilson influence there, but I am not complaining.

So then today, I came home after dinner with Bruce Stillman, the current director and president of Cold Spring Harbor Laboratories, I was really bummed out - it was almost as if someone had delivered a blow to my face. I had been really looking forward to meeting him, in the hopes that he might have something to say that may help my struggles with trying to find a direction in the future, picking a good scientific problem to work on and so on. However, the interactions I had chilled me to the bone because it seemed like success in this field was for those who were bright, and had seized great opportunities to excel, like doing a postdoc at CSHL and knowing the likes of James Watson.

Yes, I should have done that. I should have known from the very beginning, and focused towards it all my life. But it didn't happen that way, and even now, I am still discovering the things I love, and where I want to go 2 years ago, is completely different from where I want to go now. When I asked him how he got interested in the research that he has made such a successful career out of, I basically got "an interesting story" which led to the moral that he got interested in it as an undergraduate during his honors research year. He knew from day #1 that he wanted to do this.

He also said things like "I like to break new ground, so when a problem is mature, I consider it done and move on." Well, I would also like to break new ground, but this doesn't help me determine if I should become an expert in the field I am currently in, or if I should switch to another to demonstrate training potential that NIH recommends. That had been my question - whether there is any value left in coming an expert. My gut tells me yes, and I was just looking for some insight. Thanks.

Before this turns into a terrible whine, I want to reconsider why I am so bummed about this, and what that means to me. Meeting him and hearing a lot of what he had to say made me feel like I had wasted my life, as I had not done great research as an undergrad, am not going to a great, big research institution like Harvard etc. for my graduate training, and will most likely not do a postdoc at CSH. Why? What is my measure of success? I was talking with one of my close friends about this and she asked, well, does success to you mean being him? If I do not want to become him, then his words shouldn't make me feel discouraged, she said.

No, certainly not. But I realized that success does mean to me as having some recognition. I do not want to become him, and I do not want Nature, Science or Cell papers, but I would like, say an occasional PNAS or PLoS paper. So then am I going into science for recognition? Because that's bad. You go into science and research for the sake of solving the problem that motivates you.

So the challenge remains is to figure out what it is exactly I want from a career in research. Like my friend said, I have to reconcile what I want and what I am willing to do. If I am not willing/capable of doing something, I shouldn't want it. However, if I want something, I should do what it takes, bringing me back to the question of what I want. This is going to be extremely difficult and I'll likely have to keep coming back to it over the weeks, months, years to come.

For the sake of beginning, I'll make an attempt to list what I want from my research career:

1. To work on a biological problem that is doable (aka possible to make some progress in 3 years), has broader scientific relevance and has the potential to contribute to changing/broadening the fundamentals of how we understand biology. This is the best advice I got from Stillman, and I intend on sticking to it. I am going to find a problem such as this that motivates me and make it my life. This will take a lot, lot of reading.
2. Some recognition. Mainly through papers in medium to high impact factor journals. Most medium will do, as long as I have one or two high impact. I would like an award or two as well, however minor and even internal they are.
3. A medium-paced career. I do not want a very high stress environment, and also not something that is very laid back. If I have answered two fundamental questions in biology before I retire, I will consider my job done. I don't know if that is a stretch.
4. To not do the same experiments all the time, all throughout my career - I would like to be able to stretch across fields to utilize different techniques/approaches.
5. Use, rather than develop technology. So I am going to have to target an environment where enough excellent scientists and engineers are present who can develop technologies that will revolutionize research. This will also mean that I will have to end up at a large, rather than small research institution, where enough senior mentors can be found and enough "core facilities" are present. This is going to be a tough one if I don't have the credentials.

Based on the above, the things I can do right now (to get what I want):
1. Publish (credentials)
2. Read (knowledge to identify a scientific problem)
3. Get a fellowship/award (to be competitive for a high profile research institution)

#1 and #3 will be most challenging, and I am not sure if I can make it work. I also don't know how much I still have in me. Part of me really feels burnt out, but clearly that part of me did not just finish writing this post. And then there are people I love. I cannot forget about them.

God help me.

Recall

Today, I realized that I love the smell of old books just as much as I love the smell of new books. Perhaps this is why I keep collecting books and never read them. Or why I will continue to buy books despite being given a Kindle for my birthday.

In other news, today I am also reading a book for fun, in God knows how long. What motivated me finally, you ask? Well, I checked this book out of the library, and was supposed to have it until January 24th, but some douchebag has decided to put it on recall and now I only have until tomorrow. But I will read this book, goddammit. Or die trying.

Sigh. Don't know whether to wind the watch or bark at the moon. 

Update (10.11.13): I finished the above book. The race begins now for another book that must be finished before recall on Oct 22nd.

The dying mentor - Nature Careers Columnist Competition Entry

This is the non-winning entry I submitted to Nature's Careers columnist competition on March 29, 2013. Basically, the goal is to write "a sample column, 650 words long, that uses personal experience to provide insight on a topic of great interest to young scientists."

I wanted to informally publish this here, on a less public platform than Facebook, a) to get a time stamp on it, and b) to get feedback from people as I intend to improve this entry and re-submit it next year. If there any ideas for other, better topics, please do let me know as well.
------------------------------------

The Dying Mentor

A few months ago, my mentor lent me Horace Freeland Judson’s phenomenal book, the Eighth Day of Creation: Makes of the Revolution in Biology. He thought I’d enjoy this book, given some common books we liked. Eighth Day of Creation is perhaps the most compelling and comprehensive chronicle of the breakthroughs in molecular biology, and has been since 1979. It is also a mammoth and I am probably going to plough through it for a while. 

This book does many things. It provides a complete picture of the transformative discoveries of our discipline by focusing on the why, how and by whom. There is considerable focus on the personalities of individual scientists and how that influenced their thinking, their choice of problems to investigate, and how they conducted their investigation. For a young scientist like me, reading this is very inspiring, and also instructive. It shows me how to leverage my own strengths and weaknesses as I embark on my as-yet unknown quest. However, it also makes me considerably jealous.

This book is filled with great mentors— people who gave birth to incredible scientists by nurturing their talent, their quirky personalities, and their good and bad habits. Mentors who modeled a traditional master-apprentice relationship, and entrusted their trainees with their favorite puzzles as an act of faith and commitment. Mentors whose investment went beyond that puzzle, and extended to the scientific future of their students. Mentors who are much in scarcity today. And unfortunately, I can say this from personal experience. 

For one, the scenario has changed significantly. Science has become more of a business and businessmen run this show. The scramble for research grants turns most well-meaning, enthusiastic and curious scientists into salesmen and administrators. The time that was spent on in depth scientific discussions is now spent devising ways to dazzle the study sections at funding agencies. It is now the nature of this beast. The stakes are high, the patience is low, and the time is precious. 

Second, there is now an apparent disposability and replaceability of the trainee. This is because of an increase in the sheer number of graduate students pursuing doctoral degrees; and rapidly improving and economical technology that can often substitute for manual work. The accessibility of cheap technology and automation to academic and industrial labs alike has made scientific investigation faster, and very large scale. Simple, but time-consuming tasks can now be outsourced, and robots and algorithms can be built that allow data mining at a scale that was unimaginable even ten years ago. 

This has also created the false perception that thinking can be substituted for doing. As a result, mentors are much less motivated to invest in developing the critical scientific thought, and not just skill, of their trainees.  And when the time comes for the student to take the next step and become an independent researcher, many find themselves in a lurch. The ability, and the confidence to be able to function as their own scientific entity is just not there. 

This has to change. Now. History shows us that major breakthroughs were made by a few people that approached a problem from several angles, and each solved a piece of the puzzle. Scientific progress requires thinkers from diverse backgrounds and skill sets. While it requires collaboration, it also requires independence. It requires mentors like my current mentor, who is willing to train a scientist, encourage independent scientific thought, and invest in my professional development. 

My previous mentors were in stark contrast, and it made a tremendous difference. Earlier, I was pursuing a doctoral degree. I am now a scientist-in-training, learning to recognize relevant scientific questions and how to answer them. Because my mentor is invested in my future, and is providing me with the tools to succeed, including his copy of the Eighth Day of Creation, I feel confident that I can.

Footnote: I will most likely re-purpose this entry for some other publication as well.

Last resort

I think introspection is highly overrated. Every time I do it, I end up coming up with questions that I have no answers to, feelings and emotions I can't explain, and realities of my nature that I would rather not admit. I guess the idea would be to take note of these things and try to change. Except, I don't.

I have written myself reminders, bought two damn planners, made deals with God, and all such strategies have been exploited, but there hasn't been much avail. Perhaps writing about my struggles would be therapeutic, I thought, so I wrote and wrote about these on this blog, and except for them becoming repetitive posts on the same theme - much like a broken record, nothing really happened.

So now, at this point in my life, which is almost threatening to spin out of my control, this whole inability to change bugs me even more. What sort of a future will I have with this attitude? Will I make a good home for someone? How about raising children? And I want to raise kids who are good people, mind you. It's not easy and I certainly don't have the faintest clue on how to do it. 

For example, one constant struggle is that I want to be on top of the literature and have a deep, thorough understanding of the foundations of my current research. A lot of my insecurities would go away, and I would feel significantly more confident conducting my work and having scientific discussions with experts. I spend hours on the internet searching for relevant papers, and I print them out with all zeal there is to have. However, they just sit in my drawer. This consequently makes me terrified that people think I know more than I do, and consequently have expectations that I am unable to meet. 

The obvious solution is action. I really should read everything I intend to, finish everything I start, but I really feel defeated. Why can I not do it? Why the hell am I wasting my brain and wasting my time doing these stupid things when I should be reading? And no, the answer is not that the work isn't interesting. Every single paper I print is something I want to read. I think the last resort is to have someone hold me accountable. It'll have to be someone with authority over me so that I actually am afraid of not meeting my goals. 

The other option is something my friend Nimisha, God bless her, posted about. It is called Beeminder, and they actually take money from you if you don't meet your goals. I think I am going to sign up. Watch this space for reviews. If I am not totally broke, some good will have come of it, I guess.

Also, I should note that every time I write one of these posts, I am reminded of the concept of verbal vomit as related by Lindsay Lohan from Mean Girls (though I believe the script was written by Tina Fey). I guess God should bless them too.

--
An update to this, as of August 2013: I tried Stickk.com to help me stay on top of reading papers. Basically, if you don't meet a goal, you authorize this website to donate money to someone, someone you love, or someone you hate. I thought if I ended up donating money to someone I hate when I didn't meet my goal, it would work. It didn't and the NRA has ended up with 15 stinking dollars of my money. Now, I am at an impasse and I have no idea what to do. Sucks.

Honestly, I must confess

Honesty isn't easy. It might be convenient at times, but certainly not easy.

To be honest, I wrote this post today, but blogger will tell you I went back in time to write it at 8.03 AM on February 26th.  Maybe I am the new Dr. Who. Who knows? Paha!

Planner Update

My new planner (see post below for reference) arrived in less than a week. It has been written in but has hardly been useful.
::sigh::
I almost want to rage about this but yet again, I am too lazy to do so.

Prediction

If I were to honestly sit down and pin point what I predict my downfall in life would be, it will most certainly be a regretful lack of the ability to self-motivate. Resulting in laziness of such severe proportions that every year, all lists grow longer. Of things to do, resolutions to fulfill, promises to hold, friends to keep, and habits to break.

Things have reached such an appalling low that I am now almost an existential spectator in this situation. What do I mean? Let's see if I can put it into coherent sentences. Everytime I fail to do something that I really want to do because it was easier to just not do it, I can feel myself going through the motions of disappointment, regret and monotony, as if I were watching myself from outside my body. However, I have become so numb, and these motions and their pattern have become so familiar, that I know to expect them at every instance, and therefore, let them pass me with indifference.
The result being inevitable repetition of unfinished things, and keeping of bad habits. Hell, I don't even finish books anymore. The last book I finished was the Diary of Anne Frank, and that was in the summer, and even that simple book took me months to get through. Solely because I wouldn't sit down and just finish it.

I think the answer is very simple and I think I am going to try and record how much time it'll take me since writing this post to actually get to a point of action. When at work, I keep a daily task list in my planner. Tasks related to my research. At the start of each day, a list is created with all things that need to happen that day, and as I do them, I check them off. Doing this not only forces me to finish everything I must, but allows me to remember to do everything too, and to organize my day accordingly. And on each day that I am able to check everything off that list, I feel incredible. Exhausted, but content, with a sense of pride at job well done. There is a clear reward system going on here.
I really need adopt a similar strategy and make daily lists of personal tasks to be accomplished. Perhaps getting another planner is in order. (Order while free trial of Amazon Prime lasts. Ha!). Will I look retarded keeping two planners? Yes. And you know what, that's okay. I need to own up to how dysfunctional my lack of discipline has made me, and do whatever it takes to improve. And also recognize when I really am not moving forward and getting stuck in recursive loops of sorts.

Guzuneh!

Meet my spoilt brat. 

Such a pampered little fart. 

Came into my life 10/07/12, and is currently 5 months old. Responds to the names "Guzu" and "Baby."

A member of the Swainson's Lory species. Commonly called rainbow lorikeet. 

Camouflage!

I won't know his gender unless I have him endoscopically sexed or karotyped, and I can definitely live without that. So for me, Guzu's a he. And he's called Guzu because the word in Farsi means "little fart." He's supposed to live 28+ years, provided he's healthy. I do hope he lives it out!

Angry Birds - Guzu edition

First day in cage

So here we are, introduced to my first baby.

Dinner etiquette 

आह को चाहिए - मिर्ज़ा असदुल्लाह खान ग़ालिब

आह को चाहिए एक उम्र असर होने तक
कौन जीता है, तेरी ज़ुल्फ़ की सर होने तक

दाम-ए हर मौज में है हल्का-ए काम-ए निहाँग
देखें क्या गुज़रे है कतरे पर गुहार होने तक

आशिकी सब्र-तलब और तमन्ना बेताब
दिल का क्या रंग करूं, खून-ए जिगर होने तक

हमने माना की तगाफुल न करोगे, लेकिन...
खाक हो जायेंगे हम, तुमको खबर होने तक

पर्तव-ए खुर से है शबनम को फना की तालीम
मैं भी हूँ एक इनायत की नज़र होने तक


या-एक नज़र बेश नहीं फुर्सत-ए हस्ती गाफिल
गरमी-ए बज़्म है इक रक्स-ए शरार होने तक

गम-ए हस्ती का असद किस से हो जुज़ मर्ग इलाज
शम्मा हर रंग में जलती है सेहर होने तक

(may need phonetic corrections. will have to refer to the original composition at some point. until then, enjoy this ghazal seher hone tak).

Four Years On

I found this gem in my old files - a list of goals that I had set for myself four years ago. In 2009, when I had first arrived to Rutgers, to my graduate career, which was to become my joy and my pain.

"GOALS

[Both short term and long term.]
1. Learn Japanese.
2. Learn Ballet.
3. Do really well in 1st year.
4. Seek out collaborations with universities in Japan.
5. Pick a thesis advisor who pushes me.
6. Learn German at some point.
7. Write something for the blog regularly.
8. Save money regularly.
9. Visit Italy with Sara.
10. Read Hanuman Chalisa everyday.
11. Try to Read and Write everyday.
12. Plant more trees.
13. Evaluate what I value and learn how to say no.
14. Keep feminist activism going somehow.
15. Rejoin Amnesty at some point.
16. Cook regularly.
17. Destinations: Lourdes, France. Murano, Italy. Istanbul, Turkey. London, UK."

Merely looking at this list makes me wistful. The person who wrote this is no longer the person writing these lines. Life has changed, but some things, thankfully, have not. To review:

1. Learning Japanese: I pursued this goal in the earnest, and for a while, but my motivation never really took off. I had books gifted to me lining my shelves, index cards from a dear friend tempting me to take the plunge, but alas, no progress was made. An inherent lack of interest in the landscape of Japanese biosciences research, combined with a lack of exchange programs added to the existing language barrier. Along with this came the realization that I lack the discipline to self-teach. With a fellow-sufferer, I pull through and without, I fall behind.
The result being that the index cards will one day be returned, and the books will be donated. Not quite a regret, but an item on list of things I tried that failed to light a match in my soul.

2. Learning ballet: A year-long attempt was made to learn this skill as well. After much struggling with body-issues, posture-issues, and height-issues, I accepted the inevitable: I didn't fit. And probably looked odd doing a dance that didn't set me free, and didn't allow me to move my body the way it was meant to move. However, it taught some excellent exercises to stretch and move my body into fluidity. The result here was that I gave this up but took up yoga instead. Whenever schedule permits, I delve into the asanas in hopes that someday I will do a walking headstand.

3. Check. Maybe not "really" well, but I did well.

4. Attempted with no success. Most existing programs are either not in the framework in which our graduate school is set up, or are not conducive to the research-intensive environment I like, or at other times, are too short.

5. Ah. This is where life got complicated. There were so many things I did not understand and didn't even realize that I didn't understand. I chose my thesis advisor for the wrong reasons the first time - competitiveness and a desire for glory overtook my good sense and my lifelong ambition of being a good scientist. The result? I had to leave and start over. This time, I really did want to pick an advisor who pushes me. The focus was on me. The person should have time for me, should want to train me and should be interested in my success, as theirs will depend on it. Again, I made the mistake of picking the wrong person - partly out of desperation at the lack of choices, and partly due to being lured into a false sense of security.
However, I will point out my biggest mistake in both these cases - I did not look for a good teacher. I always looked for other things that were not important to me, but were considered important by others. A good teacher; a truly good mentor is what I have now, and now I know what it is like to have the fortune of being guided by a human being so brilliant, honest, and patient, that is transforms your life. I can honestly say that this is a lesson I have learned for life. I will always look for a good teacher, and a good human being. Everything else is a peripheral.

6. Has not happened yet. Perhaps it will, after this first visit to Deutschland.

7. I've been good and not-so-good on this front. Depends on the time of the year, the time of the month, and phase of the moon and such.

8. Well, this has been happening but with regular dents into my savings due to short periods of unemployment, visits back home, and well, a personal setback of sorts that is now resolved. I hope to have enough to at least buy a run down car, and take a trip to Iceland or Finland or France after I graduate.

9. Well, I am visiting Sara shortly. Not in Italy, but hopefully that will happen not so far away in the future.

10. This hasn't been a success but not a total fail either. I read when I particularly feel that either all goodness has left me, or that there is so much goodness in my life that I am truly grateful. Sadly, there are no in betweens. I remember my maker in extreme moments of despair, or when I am content.

11. and 12. have been total fails, yes. So has 16. I have not planted a single tree since 2009, have not tried to read and write regularly, and the number of times I've cooked in these past 4 years can actually be counted. Having someone to cook for helps - I somehow cannot get to cooking for myself.

13. Until recently, I did not know what I value. But thanks to having recently developed an "individual development plan" for my graduate school, I was forced to think about my interests and values more deeply. It has been an enlightening experience, showing me things that I can live without and those that I can't live without. Four years coming, but hey.

14 and 15. Fail. I did try to reach out to both Women Against Abuse and Amnesty in the Northeast, and I did not hear back from either office. Hence, I have given up for the time being.

17. Still on my bucket list. Waiting for large amounts of money to be generated at some point in life!

Thank You!

Thank you, Universe, for conspiring to give me what I really wanted with all my heart. I don't know how I came to love this music so much, but I am so thankful it exists. Thank you, Sigur Rós. I'll see you on my birthday, in Philadelphia. My home of homes.

World Poetry Day

Poetry is eternal graffiti written in the heart of everyone."  - Lawrence Ferlinghetti