Heart

"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Foremost a quote from the Bible, but I will forever know it as the inscription on the Potters' grave in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

But where is my treasure? What is my treasure? I know not. But, here's to hope. One day, I will find my treasure, my home.

Cheers!

N00b

I would like to take this opportunity to officially geek out on my blog. For those of you who don't know, I moved to a different research laboratory about a month ago, and as a consequence also shifted my research area. I now work on the brain. Still a cell biologist in the making, but now also a neuroscientist. Hopefully, a good one.

For the past month, I've been trying to build a background in this field and well, it is very difficult to keep things straight. But I can't help but link this page here, since this is what I mainly focus on.

Now I can truly say that I love what I do, and that is my freedom. I do what I love, and that is my happiness.

Now just keep me in your thoughts, and wish me luck. Once more.

The Addiction Begins

As of yesterday, I think I am addicted to cigarettes. I recently bought a new pack, and yesterday when I forgot to carry it with me, I just bought a new one without qualms. Today, removing the child-protection from my lighter with a set of pliers feels the most natural thing in the world to do.

Ah, how I had hoped this day would never come and if I could just go by having an occasional cigarette now and then. I guess I am turning into my father, and like him I will have no one to blame later. Please God, make my dearest and me lucky. Let this habit leave us just as it came, before its too late.

In That Vein

Speaking of how I've changed over the past years, I have a close friend from Italy who trained me in doing science. 2 years ago, whenever she'd talk about going back to Europe, I'd be very upset and tell her that she shouldn't go. She should stay here. I was holding on to her for some reason. I didn't want her to go.

Now, she's finally finished her Ph.D and she's leaving to accept an awesome scholarship at Max Planck. And I am completely okay with her leaving. I am not upset and I don't care that much that she's leaving. And I wasn't sure why that was. Was I less selfish than I was before? Or was I just happy for her now, knowing that she won't be happy here? Or worse, was I apathetic? I don't have a best friend, like many people do, and a lot of my close friends aren't close with me anymore. Because of various reasons. So naturally, it makes me think that perhaps I don't care about people that much anymore. I sincerely hope that's not so.

But perhaps, what it is is that I am growing more and more independent as years pass. Independent, even of people. Of course, I am also in a good place at the moment, and you tend to need friends the most when you're in a bad spot. So on the subject of independence, time will give the final verdict. But yes, I am less needy now. I am now capable of letting go of a really close friend who was like an elder sister to me. Who cared for me and listened to my minor woes that seemed so major in my head. Perhaps a consequence of growing up is that the larger scheme of things become more apparent and you stop being needy.

I still love her very much and I will always keep in touch with her. But I am no longer needy. I don't need her to be around for my sake. She can be anywhere and we will always be great friends.

Congratulations, Sara! And Cheers! I'm coming after you, right to Germany. You wait and see.

Lazy

For many days now, I have been trying to understand what happened to my energy. I have become so unbelievably lazy in this past year, it's not even funny. There are many times when I go to bed hungry, because I am too lazy to cook. Or I'll call out of a class sick, because I am too lazy to read the boring paper.

Yet, I love to print these papers, with the intention of eventually reading them. To make plans to do good things...like being on top of my reading, my experiments, my data analysis. Then I feel really good, until I realize I didn't do any of these things. In other words, I just set myself up to let myself down. I really want to do these things but I don't. So clearly its not a motivation problem. Or is it? I am not sure what is the cause of all this and its starting to bother me now. Do I have ADD? Or some other problem?

I can't even blame my lacking time management skills anymore. I do grad school. That's it. For real. No extracurriculars. No crazy social life. Some travel and concerts/plays/hikes here and there, but still, I have very few commitments. Did undergrad permanently burn me out? I sure hope not because I do want to continue learning for the rest of my life. I just want to know how our brain works, and I just want to fulfill this dream of mine and answer a few questions of my own. I volunteered for all of this, made these choices by my own free will. Why is it so hard then to follow through? To put in the hard work?

This is the first time in a LONG time that I've ranted on this blog, but I guess it was long overdue. I want to put a stop to these tendencies and move on. Stop being restless and start being productive. And get enough sleep. It's not that difficult! Jeez.